Bumping into the Band - a St Matthew's Day blog

[Angela Woodford]

Hunting round for a loo on Old Blues Day, I was guided to one near the Court room which I found most impressive. Rich in original features, it had the highest ceiling of any loo I've ever been in!

Terrific!

[cj]

A LOO SEAT?
Is that of the wooden, heavy duty variety? I don't imagine it's plastic and thin and.. and.. and..

From whereabouts in the school did this disappear, and what is now in its place?!

Just off to lie down in order to recover from this astounding piece of information....

So as not to be an accessory after the fact to this grand attack of kleptomania, I have asked as few questions as possible. If I remember rightly, it is wooden, large and quite square at the back and I am completely unaware as to its previous resting place (but only too aware of what previously rested upon it). However this pilfering sibling of mine has now offered it to me for our downstairs loo, so I am fraught with images of a midnight raid on the house, being taken in chains to the police station and questioned under duress in my best full-length and all-encompassing winceyette.

A final plea to those with an ounce of compassion, it (the seat, not the nightie) might have just fallen off by itself, mightn't it? Although how he got it home with no-one noticing beats me. It wouldn't fit up a jumper or in a suitcase.

[Ajarn Philip]

So as not to be an accessory after the fact to this grand attack of kleptomania, I have asked as few questions as possible.

Sorry, cj, but ignorance does not equal innocence. Receiving stolen goods and all that. I'm sure sejintenej will explain in more detail ( ). I've spoken to an old Met Police friend of mine, currently on secondment to the SCS (Sanitary Crime Squad), and he advises that if the article in question is discreetly returned to its original setting, no further action will be taken. Probably.

If I were you, I'd have a strong word with my/your brother - sounds to me like he's dropped you in the, erm, loo.

He was quite interested in the winceyette, too.

Tell your husband not to relax too much when he's sitting there reading the morning newspaper. They may be watching.

[carong]

Sorry, cj, but ignorance does not equal innocence. Receiving stolen goods and all that. I'm sure sejintenej will explain in more detail ( ). I've spoken to an old Met Police friend of mine, currently on secondment to the SCS (Sanitary Crime Squad), and he advises that if the article in question is discreetly returned to its original setting, no further action will be taken. Probably.

I wouldn't worry too much- the sanitary crime squad probably spend all their time concentrating on those notorious gangs of hotel thieves who steal toiletries and towels etc ...

And hasn't the Statute of Limitations kicked in by now?

[sejintenej]

Sorry, cj, but ignorance does not equal innocence. Receiving stolen goods and all that. I'm sure sejintenej will explain in more detail ( ). I've spoken to an old Met Police friend of mine, currently on secondment to the SCS (Sanitary Crime Squad), and he advises that if the article in question is discreetly returned to its original setting, no further action will be taken. Probably.

Philip won't have seen it (probably) but recently a young lad shot and killed his sister in what seems to have been accepted was an accident. He has been imprisoned (2 years) for his part but his mother got 3 years jail for having the gun in the first place.
I'm not sure about the Statute of Limitations. It's OK in civil law but it does not, for example, protect the man whose DNA shows he killed someone in the 1960's. The lad hasn't got the seat so perhaps he is OK after 6 years *** but your Statute of Limitations kicks in afresh every time you see the seat

*** and I'm far from sure about that - if someone nicked a valuable painting you can bet they would charge him when they catch him 30 years later.

Tell your husband not to relax too much when he's sitting there reading the morning newspaper. They may be watching.

It is you, cj who should be worried; I understand that there are those who conceal video cameras below the loo seat in the hope of catching some delectable female.
There are some "strange" folk around but I doubt of footage of your husband's crown jewels has the same street value.


The law is decidedly strange.
The Police state that they do NOT shoot to kill. Full stop. Police officers loaded their guns with bullets which have been specially worked on to shatter on impact and cause as much damage as possible; impact anywhere above the groin can be assumed to be fatal. The use of such bullets is apparently illegal under the Geneva Convention
Those police officers discharged their weapons into the man's head as he sat in a seat being restrained by another police officer. The Police state that they do NOT shoot to kill.
The law calls that an accident.

Just be careful what you sit on!

The "probably" depends on the need to up the arrest rate.

[cj]

Oh Lord, now I'm really worried. Not only are there people looking at my husband's personals whilst on the loo, but the police might discharge their weapons on us as we sit on this blessed piece of wood. Would it make a difference to my Statute of Limitations if I shut my eyes when I spent a penny? Please someone, look after the children if I'm taken away ...

I've just had a thought - my burglar brother is a lawyer so should be able to argue us out of this one. I shall just plead insanity.

Completely off topic, but it relates to shutting ones eyes when on the loo. My dear grandfather when taking a nocturnal excursion to the smallest room never put the lights on to navigate his way there in case it disturbed anyone, but also wouldn't bother to open his eyes as he was already in the dark.

[carong]

I've just had a thought - my burglar brother is a lawyer so should be able to argue us out of this one. I shall just plead insanity.

We'll probably get into trouble for going way off topic soon, but just to let you know if you need it, I can probably get you on a fishing boat off Worthing Seafront ... you can be on the Isle of Wight in 12 hours ...

[cj]

I've always wanted to go to the Isle of Wight. Hadn't anticipated it being in self-imposed exile, but if needs must. What are the extradition treaties between Britain and the IOW like? Does it have a Costa Crime that I should head towards?

[englishangel]

When seat belts first came in my father went to the loo one night and then woke the house with a great bellow of laughter. He had sat down on the loo half asleep and reached back to get the seatbelt and strap himself in.

I bet you all wanted to know that.

[Ajarn Philip]

But it gave me a good chuckle. Very therapeutic.

And it reminded me of the dangers of drowsy nocturnal visits to the bathroom.

A friend of mine when a young man (and I've heard similar versions of this story, so either he was making it up, or it's not uncommon) was staying with a friend's family, went to bed having consumed copious quantities of beer, and went to breakfast the next morning to be greeted by a rather strained atmosphere. Apparently he'd woken up in the night dying for a pee, walked casually into the friend's parents' bedroom, propped the chair next to the bed against the wall and proceeded to pee copiously and blissfully over the carpet. He then put the chair back, turned round and went back to bed.

I don't think he was invited back.

[Mid A 15]

I've always wanted to go to the Isle of Wight. Hadn't anticipated it being in self-imposed exile, but if needs must. What are the extradition treaties between Britain and the IOW like? Does it have a Costa Crime that I should head towards?

Given the nature of your offence I suggest Armitage Shanklin

[cj]

I've always wanted to go to the Isle of Wight. Hadn't anticipated it being in self-imposed exile, but if needs must. What are the extradition treaties between Britain and the IOW like? Does it have a Costa Crime that I should head towards?

Given the nature of your offence I suggest Armitage Shanklin

I understand Shanklin but not Armitage. Is it some sort of code word to the criminal underclasses? But I think I could be quite happy living there. After all the wikipedia entry is at great pains to point out that there is a Somerfield and a Lidl. Oh the joy of cheap continental chocolate! But is there internet access for the forum? And would you still want to associate with me, a toilet seat transgressor, loo lawbreaker, rest-room racketeer? I'm feeling the weight of my brother's actions now.

[englishangel]

http://www.armitage-shanks.co.uk/about.html

:mutley:

[cj]

Ah!

[Foureyes]

Those who listen to "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" will know that one of the most sought-after trophies for which the teams compete is the "Armitage-Shanks Bowl".