From the sublime to the ridiculous

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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sejintenej
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In the fall of 1940, Japan bombed China with fleas infected with bubonic plague.

Post by sejintenej » Fri Aug 12, 2016 9:07 pm

What CH never taught us. I did NOT compile this list - the submitter uses the pen name rrrosco

1. Fanta was invented in Germany when the war made it difficult to bring in Coca-Cola syrup from the US.

2. The SS officer who captured Anne Frank and her family bought her book to see if he was mentioned. He wasn’t.

3. Russia and Japan still haven’t signed a peace treaty to end WWII due to a dispute over sovereignty of the Kuril Islands.

4. The lift cables of the Eiffel Tower were cut by the French when Germany occupied France in 1940. As a result German soldiers had to climb to the top to fly the swastika flag.

5. The last Japanese soldier to surrender did so in 1974, 29 years after WII was over.

6. A radio belonging to a British POW was hidden so well that when the soldier visited the camp 62 years later he found it right where he left it.

7. Leonard Dawe, a crossword compiler for the Telegraph, used D-Day operation code names as the answers to his puzzle a month before D-Day. MI5 interrogated him only to discover that it was a random coincidence.

8. HNLMS Abraham Crijnssen was a Dutch warship covered with tree branches to disguise it as a tropical island.

9. Two doctors in Poland discovered that the Nazis would not deport anyone to a concentration camp who tested positive for typhus in fear that the disease would spread. The two injected Jews and non-Jews in their city with a vaccine containing dead Epidemic Typhus that would test positive but have no adverse effects, saving approximately 8,000 lives.

10. Queen Elizabeth II joined the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service and was trained as a driver and mechanic.

11. Canada declared war on Japan before the US did after the attack on Pearl Harbor.

12. Juan Pujol Garcia was a double agent who was awarded both the German Iron Cross and the Member of the British Empire award.

13. After the Treaty of Versailles, Ferdinand Foch said “This is not peace. It is an armistice for 20 years.” 20 years later WWII broke out.

14. The Taj Mahal was covered with a scaffold to camouflage it as a stockpile of bamboo and misguide bombers.

15. The Mosque of Paris gave sanctuary to Jews by giving them Muslim IDs and hiding them in their underground caverns.

16. Royal Air Force sergeant Nicholas Alkemade fell 18,000 feet without a parachute and survived with only a sprained leg.

17. There’s a Twitter account that narrates WWII as it happened on this day and time in 1944 onwards.

18. To prevent the Germans from finding out that the British had RADAR onboard aircraft, the British started a rumour that their pilots had excellent night vision from eating lots of carrots. This rumour has continued to today as many people think carrots improve eyesight.

19. The President of Czechoslovakia, Emil Hacha, suffered a heart attack upon hearing of Hitler’s plan to bomb the capital.

20. 80% of all Soviet males born in 1923 died in World War II.

21. Due to a metal shortage during the war, Oscar statuettes were made of painted plaster.

22. Approximately 5,500 leftover bombs are discovered and defused in Germany every year.

23. World War II cost each person in the US $20,388.

24. Hitler’s nephew, William Patrick Hitler, fought for the US Navy against his uncle.

25. Winston Churchill lost the 1945 election just two months after winning the war.

26. Hitler order the collection of 200,000 Jewish artifacts to be displayed at the end of the war in a trophy case called The Museum of an Extinct Race.

27. The Polish Army trained a brown bear named Wojtek to move crates of ammunition. After the war he lived at the Edinburgh Zoo.

28. During the war, Canada gave out buttons to people who tried to enlist but were refused due to medical reasons to show their willingness to fight.

29. When chocolate became scarce due to rationing an Italian pastry maker named Pietro Ferrero started adding chopped hazelnuts to chocolate to stretch the supply. The product, Pasta Gianduja, was renamed Nutella in 1964.

30. Hitler never visited a single concentration or death camp.

31. In the fall of 1940, Japan bombed China with fleas infected with bubonic plague.

32. All venomous animals at the London Zoo were killed at the beginning of the war in case the zoo was bombed and the animals escaped.

33. While serving as a commander of a motor torpedo boat, John F. Kennedy and his crew were hit by a Japanese destroyer and stranded in the Solomon Islands. Kennedy carved a message into a coconut shell and asked two natives to bring it to the nearest Allied base. They succeeded and Kennedy was rescued. The coconut shell was preserved as a paperweight on his desk in the Oval Office.

34. Tsutomu Yamaguchi is the only person the Japanese government recognizes as having survived both the Hirsoshima and Nagasaki bombings.
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Advice for golfers

Post by sejintenej » Sun Oct 30, 2016 9:05 pm

Danny said, “I also have some advice from Lee Trevino for you.”

“What?”

“If you are caught on a golf course during a storm, and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.”
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Re: queues

Post by sejintenej » Mon Oct 31, 2016 9:38 am

Standing in line had to be one of the most horrible things in life. This had been particularly bad since the man in front of her had a horrible case of body odor. She dropped down into the chair and said, "I really hate queues."

"I'd tell you to join the club, but the queue for membership is so long that you'd hate it."
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej » Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:01 pm

Just read this about an American Lutheran who eventully became important
Now, however, going to Sunday School was like an hour in a communist reeducation camp. Years later I would joke to Marilyn that I used to be a real Bible thumper when I was a kid, but then I figured out the Devil made chocolate chip cookies, and I was a lost cause.

She was a hard core Catholic, and this irked her to all get out. It was a Communion Sunday as well. Unlike the Catholics, we only did Communion once a month. On those days it was like a double dose - Sunday School followed by an hour plus of church. As we left, Pastor Joe asked if I wanted to become an altar boy, but I replied, "Only if I get put in charge of the wine."
I wonder if OBs felt the same
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by J.R. » Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:07 pm

sejintenej wrote:Just read this about an American Lutheran who eventully became important
Now, however, going to Sunday School was like an hour in a communist reeducation camp. Years later I would joke to Marilyn that I used to be a real Bible thumper when I was a kid, but then I figured out the Devil made chocolate chip cookies, and I was a lost cause.

She was a hard core Catholic, and this irked her to all get out. It was a Communion Sunday as well. Unlike the Catholics, we only did Communion once a month. On those days it was like a double dose - Sunday School followed by an hour plus of church. As we left, Pastor Joe asked if I wanted to become an altar boy, but I replied, "Only if I get put in charge of the wine."
I wonder if OBs felt the same
I was never a Catholic and hence never an altar boy.

In fact my Mothers parents were very anti-catholic which made a profound impression on me.

In fact, I never entered Catholic Church until I attended my wifes Grand-Mothers funeral. Incidently there are one or two jokes about altar boys and priests, far too risque to post on here, I hasten to add.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by J.R. » Thu Nov 17, 2016 1:39 pm

.... Just read back over a few of these posts.

Regarding 'Unknown' facts re WWII.

It is known that Himmler visited Auschwitz-Birkenau and was physically sick. It is believed he never visited another concentration camp after that.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Where sayings came from - brass monkeys and all that

Post by sejintenej » Thu Dec 22, 2016 8:29 am

Early aircraft’s throttles had a ball on the end of it. In order to go full throttle, the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence, the term “Balls to the wall” was meant for going very fast.

During WWII, U.S. airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts measured 27 feet long, contained hundreds of bullets, and were folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. Often times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their bullets on various targets. They would say, “I gave them the whole nine yards” which meant they had used up all of their ammunition.


Did you know the saying “God willing and the creek don’t rise” was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington. In his response, he was said to have written, “God willing and the Creek don’t rise”. Because he capitalized the word “Creek”, it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian Tribe and not a body of water.


In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras. One’s image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are limbs; therefore, painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg”. (Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)


As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool, but these wigs could not be washed. To clean them, they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy; hence, the term “big wig”. Today we often use the term “Here comes the Big Wig” because someone appears to be, or is, powerful and wealthy.


In the late 1700’s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The “head of the household” always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest (who was usually a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the “chair man”. Today in business, we use the expression or title “Chairman” or “Chairman” of the Board”.


Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee’s wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman’s face she was told, “Mind your own bee’s wax”. Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term “Crack a smile”. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression “Losing face”.


Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in “Straight laced” wore a tightly tied lace.


Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but it was only applicable to the Ace of Spades. To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren’t “Playing with a full deck”.


Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV’s or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to “go sip” some ale and listen to people’s conversations and political concerns. The two words “go sip” were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus, we have the term “gossip”.


At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A barmaid’s job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in “pints” and who was drinking in “quarts”. Hence, the phrase “Minding your P’s and Q’s”.


One more piece of historical trivia:

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem, however ... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others? The solution was a metal plate (called a “Monkey”) which had 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make “Brass Monkeys”. Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, “Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey”. (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn’t you?)
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by michael scuffil » Thu Dec 22, 2016 10:52 am

It should be strait-laced, not straight-laced. Strait means narrow or tight (as in Strait of Gibraltar, or straitjacket).

The derivation of 'gossip' is not the one usually given.

The earliest documented use of 'an arm and a leg' dates from 1949. Any connexion with painting seems unlikely.
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej » Thu Dec 22, 2016 5:37 pm

michael scuffil wrote:It should be strait-laced, not straight-laced. Strait means narrow or tight (as in Strait of Gibraltar, or straitjacket).

The derivation of 'gossip' is not the one usually given.

The earliest documented use of 'an arm and a leg' dates from 1949. Any connexion with painting seems unlikely.
These were collected by I think an American from a wide variety of sources in English speaking countries; in this case (and unusually) he does not give his source.
This could account for the spelling - I come across all sorts of wierd ones from the US of A and the occasional strange ones from the antipodes. OTOH far too often I come across obvious cases where a spell check has been set to change anything it thinks wrong without author supervision.

As for the others, like many such sayings, one comes across all sorts of claims in different countries; I also think the painting one is a bit OTT because, in my very ignorant view, a face whould be far harder to paint than, say, a leg encased in cloth and perhaps stockings
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by LongGone » Thu Dec 22, 2016 6:45 pm

I would be surprised if any of them can be authenticated. I recognize several as coming from sites that create fake etymologies.
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej » Tue Jan 24, 2017 5:49 am

Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands and moving elsewhere - showing their outrage with Donald Trump’s proposed law of sending illegal immigrants back to their native countries.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who are vowing to punish Arizona by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen car with his taxpayer-furnished belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter: “It’s a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!”

The effects of the exodus are already being felt by some Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling thefts and sales of beer, tequila, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits.

State welfare agencies are preparing to lay off staffs that distribute food stamps and unemployment benefits.

Tattoo parlors are in an absolute state of panic!

Renaldo told a reporter, through an interpreter, that he and his family are moving to Canada, with a new Liberal government under Justin Trudeau and new higher taxes, hardworking people will better support him and his family with dignity!

Kinda Brings A Tear To Your Eye, Don’t It?
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by dsmg » Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:53 pm

Will he be deporting his wife?
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What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Post by sejintenej » Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:50 am

Courtesy of Jack Spratt & co: enjoy but hold your ribs



2016 STELLA AWARDS

It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving.

Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? These are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for this past year --

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!

Start scratching!

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.

Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ‘em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.

Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one...

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the

Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you’re getting a bald spot...

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a

Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton, of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

FIRST PLACE

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her ... are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

If you think our court system is out of control, be sure to pass this one on.


This group is compliments of ja FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ... Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
34. Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 31, 2017 10:49 am

Quotes sent to me by an Old Blue

John Glenn:
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu:
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman:
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes:
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb:
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind:
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr:
The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor:
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy:
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

Prince Philip:
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips:
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford:
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan:
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall:
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand:
Kill one man and you're a murderer; kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden:
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz:
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson:
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum (School photo album):
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

Steve Martin:
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante:
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell:
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts:
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters:
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley:
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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At the risk of offending DD

Post by sejintenej » Tue Feb 07, 2017 5:53 pm

Jewish Comedians.

Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour.

Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?”

The man says, “I make a good living.”


I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me!


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


We always hold hands ... If I let go, she shops.


My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea...


My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.


My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.”

Mrs. Cohen replied, “So did my arthritis!”


Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I AM 60!” Doctor:

“See! What did I tell you?”


A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?

The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”


Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears. “ Doctor: “Don’t answer!”


A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.

The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”


A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”

“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”

The son said, “Why are you so weak?”

She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”

The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”

The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”


A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.

He asks, “What part is it?”

The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The father scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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