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Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 9:54 pm
The three rings of marriage.
A engagement ring, A wedding ring, suffering.
Who condemned you to a heart attack?
Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:50 pm
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Love this Doctor!
Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 5:53 pm
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it ... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one ... If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain ... good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well ... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous
Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 8:12 am
Found in an American forum:
I also saw How Washington Works For Dummies.
I wonder if I would get in trouble if I bought a copy and had it shipped to Donald Trump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?
He doesn't need it, he's reading the copy Obama left behind.
It's not what you think!
Posted: Sat Mar 04, 2017 6:24 pm
Back and forth ... back and forth...
In and out ... in and out...
A little to the right ... a little to the left...
She could feel the sweat on her forehead...
Between her breasts ... and, trickling down the small of her back...
She was getting near to the end... !!
He was in ecstasy ... with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved ... Forwards then backwards...
Forward then backward...
Again ... and, again... !!
Her heart was pounding now...
Her face was flushed...
She moaned ... softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally ... totally exhausted ... she let out a piercing scream and shouted...
“OK, OK, you smug ******, I can’t parallel park ... You do it... !!”
It's all in the name
Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:37 pm
At the risk of offending the Moderators (and everyone else) but wait to the end!
Back in the 50’s, a man walked into a Hollywood agent’s office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man’s name, to which he proudly replied, “Penis Van Lesbian.” Taken aback, the agent said, “If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name.” The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, “The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!” “Then I won’t be able to represent you.” Said the agent. “Then good day to you, sir!” The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.
Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.
The letter said, Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice...
Sincerely, Dick Van Dyke
Children Are Quick
Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2017 9:34 pm
Statement of the Century
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child!)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current political conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Your MP is a dawg?
Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2017 6:04 pm
It’s just dawned on me...
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep...
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever...
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick...
OMG! I think my dog is a member of Parliament
Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous
Posted: Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:43 am
California is the granola state ... If you take out the fruits and the nuts, all you have left are the flakes.
A princess had a spell put on her so that everything she touched would melt. The king was frantic with worry, so he called all his sorcerers and wizards together to solve the problem. They sat, and discussed and debated, and finally concluded that if the princess were to touch something that wouldn’t melt, the spell would be broken.
The king sent a proclamation throughout the kingdom that anyone who would bring the princess something to touch that wouldn’t melt would get to marry the princess, live happily ever after and all that.
On the designated day, three men showed up. The first had a sword made of vanadium steel ... real hard stuff ... The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The second one had a large diamond ... hardest thing in the world ... can’t melt, right? The princess touched it. Foop ... it melted. The third one told the princess to put her hand in his pants pocket, and touch what she felt there. She was very embarrassed and didn’t want to do it, but he insisted. She put her hand there, felt something hard and it didn’t melt. The spell was broken! Everyone was overjoyed. He married the princess, and they lived happily ... But what did she feel there? ... M&Ms, of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were YOU thinking, you pervert?
Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2017 11:10 pm
Love those Canadian East-coast-ers!!!
President Donald Trump was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. “Hallo, President Trump” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland. Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you, eh!”
“Well Archie,” Donald replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moment’s calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Donald paused. “I must tell you Archie, that I have ONE MILLION men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
Holy jeez,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?”, Donald asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, 3 fishing boats, 2 harpoon boats, a trawler with radar and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Trump sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have
6,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lard T’underin’ Jaysus, bye”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!”
Donald was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jeysus, Mary and Joseph,” said Archie, “I’ll have ta call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Trump!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Donald. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”
CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!
A few Thoughts to comtemplate.
Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2017 7:43 pm
I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know it’s raining in Sweden?
A guy in a dental chair, asked the dentist. I keep hearing about Bluetooth! What’s the best way to prevent it?
Did you know that “dammit I’m mad” is spelled backwards is “dammit I’m Mad”?
I had a really bad day: first my ex got run over by a bus.
Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, those cops came out of nowhere!
Soup of the day: tequila.
the death of Trump
Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 5:19 pm
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.
The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him, ‘You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100.’
The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Donald shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?
The American Diplomats replied, ‘Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take the chance
Getting ahead at work
Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2017 5:30 pm
A Rabbi and a Priest were discussing professional advancement. The priest said that with qualified priests, they can become monsignors.
The rabbi asked, “And then what?”
“Well”, said the priest, “if they’re really qualified, they can become bishops.”
The rabbi asked, “And then what?”
The priest replied, “If they’re very qualified they can become archbishops.”
The rabbi asked, “And then what?”
The priest continued, “If they’re exceptionally qualified, they can become cardinals.”
And the rabbi asked, “And then what?”
The priest said, “If they’re uniquely qualified they can become Pope.”
And the rabbi asked, “And THEN what?”
The shocked priest asked the rabbi, “What do you mean, And THEN what? Do you think he can become God?”
“Well”, said the rabbi, “One of OUR boys made it...”
These are the people who claim to lead the world; you decide!
Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2017 10:02 am
A Washington DC ‘airport ticket agent’ offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts...”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa...”
His response -- click...
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we booked. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!” (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”
I said, “No.”
She said, “But they look so close on the map” (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas ... I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” Huuhhhhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’
He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was laughing too hard). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage...
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.”
The man retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply? “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.’
What you absolutely must know (incl why was he called SATCHMO?)
Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2017 6:24 pm
1. Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
2. Why do ships and aircraft use ‘mayday’ as their call for help?
This comes from the French word m’aidez - meaning ‘help me’ - and is pronounced, approximately, ‘mayday.’
3. Why are zero scores in tennis called ‘love’?
In France, where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called ‘l’oeuf, ‘ which is French for ‘the egg.’ When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it ‘love.’
4. Why do X’s at the end of a letter signify kisses?
In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
5. Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck’?
In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would ‘pass the buck’ to the next player.
6. Why do people clink their glasses before drinking a toast?
In earlier times it used to be common for someone to try to kill an enemy by offering him a poisoned drink. To prove to a guest that a drink was safe, it became customary for a guest to pour a small amount of his drink into the glass of the host. Both men would drink it simultaneously. When a guest trusted his host, he would only touch or clink the host’s glass with his own.
7. Why are people in the public eye said to be ‘in the limelight’?
Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theatres by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer ‘in the limelight’ was the Centre of attention.
8. Why is someone who is feeling great ‘on cloud nine’?
Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
9. In golf, where did the term ‘Caddie’ come from?
When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game ‘golf.’ He had the first course outside of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to accompany her.
Mary liked this a lot and when she returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is pronounced ‘ca-day’ and the Scots changed it into caddie.
10. Why are many coin collection jar banks shaped like pigs?
Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of dense orange clay called ‘pygg’. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became known as ‘pygg banks.’ When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on.
11. Why is a famous musician called BIG CHEEKS?
BECAUSE Big cheeks, a grandson of slaves, was born in a poor neighborhood of New Orleans known as the “Back of Town.” His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.
Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and with three other kids he sang in the streets of New Orleans. His first gains were coins that were thrown to them.
A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving ‘work’ in the house, to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family’s home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.
When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs.
Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys gave him money to buy his first musical instrument; as was the custom in the Jewish families.
They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses.
The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907. In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned “how to live real life and determination.”
You might recognize his name. This little boy was called: Louis “Satchmo” Armstrong.
Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish! And “Satchmo” is Yiddish for “Big Cheeks”!
Note: Most of these claims about Louis Armstrong’s childhood are true. Ken Burns dug up most of the details for his documentary, “Jazz,” and they have often been repeated since it aired in 2001. https://www.truthorfiction.com/louis-ar ... -as-a-boy/
And now you know!!!