Jokes, please.....

[Mid A 15]

The kid
next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out
spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked
him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked
him under the stairs.



Bit naughty I know but I couldn't help tittering....

[jhopgood]

The kid
next door was running round the garden waving a pretend wand and shouting out
spells.
"I bet you really want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" I asked
him.
"Yeah!" he shouted excitedly.
So I killed his parents and locked
him under the stairs.



Bit naughty I know but I couldn't help tittering....

Sounds just like "Auntie Rotter" by Peter Sellars.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

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Father Super Dog ---- able to leap tall fence on a single bound !

And the best ?

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No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows XX***XX**ing everything !!

[Mid A 15]

The Looters Prayer

Our father,
who art in prison,
my mum knows not his name,
thy Riots come,
read it in "The Sun"
in Birmingham , as it is in London ,
give us this day our Welfare bread
and forgive us our looting,
as we are happy to loot those who defend stuff against us.
Lead us not into employment
but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Facebook
the Blackberry & the Twitter,
forever and ever...


Innit

[mvgrogan]

It's been a terrible decade with the deaths of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Adam Faith and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no hope, no cash, no faith and no jobs.

(based on something in the Daily Mail)

I hope Kevin Bacon has a body guard!

(pinched from facebook)

[sejintenej]

It's been a terrible decade with the deaths of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Adam Faith and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no hope, no cash, no faith and no jobs.

(based on something in the Daily Mail)

I hope Kevin Bacon has a body guard!

(pinched from facebook)

??????
at least rotten tomatoes like him (or is it the other way round?)
(pinched from a search engine)

[sejintenej]

Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service..

[jhopgood]

Adopt A Terrorist -

Take a minute to read this... Its quite humorous!


A female Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

She received the following reply:


National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada




Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces - who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new Department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. For short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohamed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem " will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed - and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense

[bap]

An elderly gentleman went to the doctor for his annual medical check-up and took his wife as he was hard of hearing. The doctor said "I need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sample of your semen"; the old fella askes his wife what the doctor said and she replied "He wants your underpants".

[jhopgood]

A letter from Scout Camp


Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[J.R.]

Scout Camp - Pricelees, John !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Brilliant !

[kerrensimmonds]

You sad people!!

[bap]

I went to the gym earlier and noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in... anyway, she has made a formal complaint and I banned for life.

[Fjgrogan]

The Scout Camp thing has distinct shades of a song that started 'Hello Farder, hello Mudder, here we are at Camp Granada .......) - was it by Bob Newheart? when I first went to teacher training college (about 1963) it formed a large part of the concert put on by the more senior students for us 'freshers'!