Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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Ajarn Philip
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Post by Ajarn Philip »

Oh thanks JH, enjoyed that muchly! Good on yer.
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One for the ladies

Post by Ajarn Philip »

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side; "When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."

I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack."I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said. He did, but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
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John Knight
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Selling a Car

Post by John Knight »

I think the 'Jokes' section is the best place for this one...
This thread has been voted 'the best read' on a number of forums.

http://www.vx220.org.uk/forums/index.ph ... 54660&st=0

Be advised that it is difficult to get into and I have seen 300+ Users on at the same time, and it runs to 50 pages.
Also i think you would need about 2 hours to read all of it.... I have only reached page 15 so far!
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

Definitely a joke but not funny, I jumped to page 51!!!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
Ajarn Philip
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Re: Selling a Car

Post by Ajarn Philip »

John Knight wrote: This thread has been voted 'the best read' on a number of forums.
Unless I'm missing something, John, this must be the joke...?
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

I may have posted this before. However..........

A blonde walks into a chemists and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.


The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.


Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.


"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."


"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.


"Do you have the container that it came in ?" asks the pharmacist.


"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."


She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant."


Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ....................


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"TO APPLY - PUSH UP BOTTOM".
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN.

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel ! First, you die. Then, you go to heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you've got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with mathS, but he's not much good for science.
Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows !!!
Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong, before you got dead.
Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then, when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and His Son, Who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, 8

All angels must be girls, because they gotta wear dresses and boys wouldn't go for that.
Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma, who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me, while she was still down here on earth.
Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, 7
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Baptising an Irishman

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus ?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus ?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother ?"

The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus ?"




(Are you ready for this ????)





The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, "Are you sure dis is where he fell in ?"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1 . My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezey, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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cj
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Smart ass answers

Post by cj »

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes, or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head
and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
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Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)

Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Entertainment Night at the Senior Citizen Centre....

Claude the hypnotist explained, "I'm here to put you all into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, solid gold antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH1T !!!" exclaimed the hypnotist.





It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

Its been reported that youngsters in Yorkshire are injecting ecstasy directly into their mouth...




It's described as 'E By Gum'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

Not a joke, but a remembered comment prompted by the above post and Mallet's Mallet.

I was about 19 and rather naive and in a bar with a (male) friend from Yorkshire (men renowned for their straight talking). A young 'lady' across the room was sitting on her own wearing 'obvious' clothes and seductively smoking a cigarette.

I said to my friend "Do you think she's a hooker?"

His reply "Well she's not bl**dy scrum-half is she?"
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the perfect credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you but, in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope was a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent was awestruck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He read the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Yours sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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kayinbaja
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Post by kayinbaja »

...and now that I've picked self and hubby up off the floor laughing....that has to be the funniest thing I've read in AGES! Thanks!
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