Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

This'll make yer groan !

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP -Wasps of Europe & the sounds that they make - available now !" Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those !"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.............

























......."I've just realised I was playing you the 'bee' side."

[J.R.]

Genuine, (alleged), notes to the Milkman !

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way around."

"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."

"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's Sopranos. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened ?"

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or do I have to shake the bottle ?"

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday... or is it today ?"

"When you come with the milk please put some coal in the furnace, let dog out, and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No.14 either as he is dead until further notice."

[Mid A 15]

Old but quite amusing:

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.


IP: Logged
Previous | Next | New Topic | Top of Board

[aguinaga]

What's the difference between Blondie and the Chinese cockle-pickers?

Blondie knew when the tide was high.

[Richard Ruck]

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

How true!

[J.R.]

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

How true!

There goes your pass to the Pub for a Sunday lunch-time bevvy and a nice roast on your return home, Richard !

[jtaylor]

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a
stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released- New
LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.. I'd
very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am
the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I
recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back
into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly
agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and
yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised
I was playing you the bee side."

[Richard Ruck]

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

How true!

There goes your pass to the Pub for a Sunday lunch-time bevvy and a nice roast on your return home, Richard !

Nice roast on my return home?????

Actually, I do most of the cooking which, in turn, means that there's hardly ever a problem in visiting the pub.

Sorted, innit?

[J.R.]

Julian !!!!!

May I refer the Honourable Gentleman to one of my earlier posts ???

How DO you spell plagarism ??

[ben ashton]

Spellchecker poem

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[huntertitus]

Two terrorists are checking out new backpacks in Millets.

One turns to the other and says over his shoulder

"Does my bomb look big in this?"

[ludwig van]

Have you heard of the world's most dangerous joke?

I'd better not post it here - you'd die laughing!

(hides under desk)

[Richard Ruck]

Just nicked this from another site ..... in dubious taste, but it WAS a rugby forum.

Anne Frank's Diary

[Richard Ruck]

B*gger, it seems to be a bit big.

Anyone know how to fix it?

[huntertitus]

Pedigree Pet Foods has been through a rough time recently and is now
insolvent...





...scroll down...

















































They have had to call in the retrievers