Jokes, please.....

[Jo]

Sorry to be boring
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/deadcard.asp

Good story, though!

[MKM]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!


A lady died this past January and MBNA bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

I'd say late fees were appropriate in this case

[kerrensimmonds]

Ho Ho Mary! Brilliant humour.....

Tho a friend of mine and his wife walloped their credit cards last autumn to pay for her daughter's wedding. His was Barclaycard, hers was Goldfish. They paid everything off (including accumulated interest) by the end of April. Both received statements in May which showed interest still payable. He complained to Barclaycard, because he had paid off the final balance by the date they wanted in the April statement. They backed down and as a 'gesture of good will' cancelled the interest charge. She complained to Goldfish and they would not budge. So they paid off the extra interest and cut up the card.

[sejintenej]

Sorry to be boring
http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/deadcard.asp

Good story, though!

I hadn't seen this because in my case the event happened in early 2001.

As potential joint executor I received a demand from the City of San Francisco addressed to my son demanding money. I wrote back stating that the addressee was dead and that the courts had not authorised anyone to handle the deceased's affairs and estate and that therefore the law indicated that their demand could not be addressed at that time. (That was perfectly true - probate had not been granted).

Six months later my son received a letter stating that if he did not pay the amount demanded by the City of San Francisco plus (extortionate) debt collection fees plus this and that then they would take him to court and noitify the credit agencies that he was a non-payer. I had words with the debt collectors suggesting that they wrote to him at his new address - the local cemetary; nothing more was heard. I don't think he will be parking a hired car on the street in California at 3am in the future.

[J.R.]

Meanwhile, back to the funnies !..

An Essex blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighbourhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me ?'

The blonde quickly responded, 'How about £50 ?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house ?"

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb Essex blonde jokes we've been getting by a-mail lately.'

A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. 'You finished already ?' the husband asked.

'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her.

'And by the way,' the blonde added ... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus.'

[englishangel]

James the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had a couple of
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so James could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.
His favorite rooster was old Alek, a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning James noticed old Alek's bell
hadn't rung at all! He went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer James's amazement, old Alek had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. James was so proud of of Alek, James entered him in the local
County Fair and Alek became an overnight sensation among the
judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded Alek the No Bell Piece
Prize but they awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Alek was a politician in the making: who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[J.R.]

I'm sure this must have posted back in the distant past. However.....

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING !

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese ?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and violence On My VCR ?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own ?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out ?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist £50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do ?

[J.R.]

Some Questions & Answers !

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause ?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me thtat menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true ? Where can it be found ?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband ?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles ?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face ?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking ?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage ?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly ?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses ?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores ?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

[midget]

A few years ago the Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew.The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's "Work for the Dole"scheme, and hire unemployed youths from Manchester.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in Manchester were able to remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds. This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari management as most races are won and lost in the pits, so Ferrari would have an advantage over every other team.

However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the first practice session not only were "da Mancs" able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the Maclaren team for four dozen Stellas and a gram of Charlie.

[Mid A 15]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill, and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week' The florist was pleased, and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning, there is a 'thank you' card, and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.



Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card, and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.



Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card, & a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' & 'Becoming More Successful.



Then a Politician comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.



And that, my friends, illustrates the Fundamental difference between the Citizens of our country and the members of our Government

[Laura M]

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .












Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[J.R.]

We've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite.


All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

[J.R.]

Doctors claim to have found a cure for the common cold.


They inject you with Parkinson's, then you should be able to shake it off in a week.

[J.R.]

At the Zimbabwe election, opposition leader, Morgan Tsvangirai has admitted he's been beaten.


He's got three cracked ribs and a fractured skull !!

[J.R.]

They say alcoholism is an illness.

So why can't we call in drunk to work ?