Jokes, please.....

[CHAZ]

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the
first hole of their local golf course when a guy
carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started
playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way
around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag,
and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle
with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the
other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might
be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I
can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour
in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge
for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars
every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so
shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing
perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,'I think
I can save you a grand here.....'

[J.R.]

I'm sick and tired of people making fun of other people with erectile dysfunction...

Don't you think things aren't hard enough for them already ?

[J.R.]

A wife says to her husband, "You make love like you decorate."

Her husband replies, "What, very slow and professional ?"

"No," she replies, "I have to finish it myself."

[Vonny]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.





THE SITUATION



You are in England , York to be specific.



There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.



This is a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos.



There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.



Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.



THE TEST



Suddenly, you see a man in the water.



He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.



You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:



You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!



THE QUESTION



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...











Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[Ajarn Philip]

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
over-sensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to
get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out in
the evenings also is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub
when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I
just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't
hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of
my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while.

And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one
for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get
older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider
that writing it was well worthwhile.

After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver
II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested
and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find
her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[J.R.]

I may well have posted this before. Worth another look though.

They made me laugh! These sentences (with all the Bloopers) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning; 'Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight; 'Searching for Jesus'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale, it's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard of love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - Let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday will be tryouts for the choir; they need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What is Hell ?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some of the older ones.

The scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Pot luck supper Sunday 5:30pm - Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind; they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies bible study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The vicar would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the bacon and egg breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet next Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.

The Year 9 pupils form the high school will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church Hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight watchers will meet every Tuesday at 7PM in the Methodist church hall, please use the large double door at the side entrance.

The minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday; 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'


God Bless !

[Laura M]

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet footpath for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The softly spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred a and ran to my car.

[J.R.]

Best Out Of Office Automated Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many individuals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Sharon' instead of 'Steve'.

[marty]

Garry Glitter has attempted suicide by wading into the sea. Luckily for him, the coastguard found him bobbing up and down on a small buoy....

[jhopgood]

President Bush was rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, using the teleprompter.'

He begins with "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear:

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

[J.R.]

President Bush was rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games, using the teleprompter.'

He begins with "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear:

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

PRICELESS, John.

[J.R.]

Fred and Mary got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon, so went back to Fred's mum and dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replied, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mum replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school...'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet ?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think ?'

His mum replies, 'Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school .'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet ?'

His mum says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think ?'

His mum replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think ?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... I gave him my airplane glue !!"

[J.R.]

Two chimps and a Blonde - Best blonde joke to date .

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast ?”

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'Do you need a lift ?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.

They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified !!

There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld !!"

[J.R.]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
and 'Service' Stations

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM !!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am..

[huntertitus]

But not The Police "Service" surely?

And what about The Communion Service?

And didn't young girls of lesser means in the olden days often used to be "in service"

And talking of bulls with a name like RUTley perhaps you should STEER the subject gently in another direction!