Jokes, please.....

[Richard Ruck]

Doctor to George Best: "George, I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news for you".

George Best: "OK Doc, but gimme the bad news first".

Doctor: "I'm sorry to tell you that you only have an hour to live..."

George Best : "And the good news?"

Doctor : "It's Happy Hour!!"

[englishangel]

A man goes to the optician with a violin case under his arm.

Man: I have something wrong with my eyes, what can you do for me?

Optician: Well, let's have a look at you.

Man: (opening violin case) First you have to look at this.

In the violin case is a t*rd which completely fills it.

Optician: (reeling back) I really think you need to see a doctor.

Man: Oh no, every time I pass one of these it makes my eyes water.

[It's the way I tell 'em]

[jhopgood]

Originally told about our neighbours across the Irish Sea, but can also help explain the locals, for those who have just gone to university

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, Norfolk and anywhere in Wales.

[englishangel]

Originally told about our neighbours across the Irish Sea, but can also help explain the locals, for those who have just gone to university

Scouse Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Newcastle, Norfolk and anywhere in Wales.

I don't understand.

[jhopgood]

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse"
The interviewer was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse."
"Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the door knob to keep the kids out"

[englishangel]

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse"
The interviewer was amazed. He said "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse."
"Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Yes, we put it on the door knob to keep the kids out"

I like this one, rings a bell with me.

[Sergiu Panaite]

Skip this one if you get offended easily:
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man.
Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "kay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.
But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

And, apparently:
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace!
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[J.R.]

Shouldn't these be on the 'Jokes' thread ?

[Sergiu Panaite]

...what thread is this then?

[J.R.]

...what thread is this then?

jokes please........

at:-

viewtopic.php?t=446

[J.R.]

...what thread is this then?

jokes please........

at:-

viewtopic.php?t=446

umm....

Many people have been planting jokes on another thread, so I just pointed them in the right direction ! Sorry if I've exceeded anyones authority.

[J.R.]

Sorry if I've exceeded anyones authority.

Sorry, I was just confused by your earlier post:

Shouldn't these be on the 'Jokes' thread ?

I thought they were on the jokes thread (i.e. this one)?

Talking of authority, Julian has been quiet lately!

Yup ! PM on the way.

[englishangel]

I hope you are all sitting on your TENA pads.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


THERE'S MORE...


Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"


IT IS NOT OVER YET...


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[englishangel]

No 2

Dear Editor,
Subject: Replace All Female Flight Attendants
Replace all female flight attendants with good- lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don'teven serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[englishangel]

No 3

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."