Jokes, please.....

Euterpe13 · Post by **Euterpe13** » Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:07 pm

Wife to husband : " it'll be 30 years tomorrow that we got married -shall we kill the pig ?"

Husband : " Why? It's not his fault"

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Mon Jul 25, 2005 5:41 pm

Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo by her driver. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hits the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is all right.

"Is it all right?" said Victoria Beckham.

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head.

"No ma'm, it's dead."

"Well you were driving, you go tell the farmer what happened!"

So the driver set off for the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up.

"Good grief, what happened to you?" Victoria exclaimed as she saw the driver.

"Well ma'm, the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to me."

"What the hell did you say?"

"I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow."

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Thu Jul 28, 2005 12:13 pm

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources.

Without identifying the guy, she explains what her co-worker does and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this request and asks:

"What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midgetÃ¢â‚¬

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Thu Jul 28, 2005 12:17 pm

Tom and Phyllis were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tom suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Phyllis promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Tom out.

When the hospital director became aware of this heroic act, she immediately ordered that Phyllis be discharged from the hospital because she now considered her to be mentally stable. The director went to Phyllis and said:

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays a sound minds. The bad news is that Tom, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Phyllis replied: "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?Ã¢â‚¬

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Thu Jul 28, 2005 2:23 pm

A woman walks into a BMW dealership and browses around.

Suddenly she spots the perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a sales representative. With a pleasant smile, he greets her:

"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks:

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh1t yourself when you hear the price."

jhopgood · Post by **jhopgood** » Sun Jul 31, 2005 4:16 pm

I was surprised not to see this on this erudite site.

This is rather long but well worth reading - trust me!

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) [I knew that!] or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 12:08 pm

Thank God for Blondes !!!

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car tlet a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one ?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure !"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right ! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back ?"

graham · Post by **graham** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:06 pm

Proof that Girls are Evil

1. First we state that girls require time and money

Girls = Time x Money

2. As we all know, Time is Money

Time = Money

3. Therefore

Girls = Money2

4. We know that money is the root of all evil

Money = Ã¢Ë†Å¡Evil

5. Therefore

Girls = (Ã¢Ë†Å¡Evil)2

And so we are left to conclude that

Girls = Evil

graham · Post by **graham** » Tue Aug 02, 2005 7:07 pm

A slightly nasty one

Name a bird that can't fly.........

That bird from Holby City

oooooh

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Thu Aug 04, 2005 8:02 am

Rather topical, but not very P.C., (thank God !)

____________________

Inflatable Doll.

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female ?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black, or White ?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim ?"

This question confused the man and he replied: "What has the religion got to do with it ? It's an inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up !"

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Sun Aug 07, 2005 2:03 pm

This is courtesy of "8 Out Of 10 Cats",on TV last night.

Did you hear about the chav who found a can of powdered egg, and thought it was a Class 'A' drug ????

After snorting the whole tin, he collapsed and..............................

Suffocated in his own Omlette !

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Sun Aug 07, 2005 2:17 pm

Why Terrorists Commit Suicide ! (An American View !)

Let's see now:

No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No Television, No Cheerleaders, No baseball, No Football, No Basketball, No Hockey, No Golf, No Tailgate Parties, No Home Depot. No Pork BBQ, No Hot Dogs, No Burgers, No Lobster, No Shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No Gumbo, No Jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy up in the tower.

No chocolate cookies. No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey being cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better !

I mean, ..............really,........................ IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE ????

jhopgood · Post by **jhopgood** » Sun Aug 07, 2005 10:59 pm

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

graham · Post by **graham** » Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:16 pm

From the Viz letterbocks page (a truley noble comic)

How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever with a massive sword, while I get absolutely f*cked by the RSPCA for slaying common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for knights in armour and another for the rest of u

graham · Post by **graham** » Sun Aug 07, 2005 11:17 pm

From the Viz letterbocks page (a truley noble comic)

How come St. George got beatified for killing the rarest creature ever with a massive sword, while I get absolutely f*cked by the RSPCA for slaying common frogs with a penknife? As usual, it's one law for knights in armour and another for the rest of us.