Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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Richard Ruck
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Post by Richard Ruck » Thu Jun 09, 2005 2:05 pm

What do a nearsighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?













A wet nose.
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Thu Jun 09, 2005 3:01 pm

Thanks Plum ! Another year older. Trust the Bax have comfortable chairs these days !

_______________

Two Nuns sharing a bath !

One says, "Where's the soap ?"

Second one says, "Yes, it does, doesn't it !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Mid A 15
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Post by Mid A 15 » Thu Jun 09, 2005 11:48 pm

What's the difference between a seagull and a baby?

one flits along the shore

the other s***s upon the floor
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:11 am

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake tackle at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your tackle and scratch your b8m.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

F@rt and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your b*m, leaving those coarse b*m hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire tackle size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake tackle it her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Fri Jun 10, 2005 11:19 am

Maybe it was a mistake to start this off, but..........................

If this is too rich, Julian, you'd better delete or let me know !!

_________________________

What do you call a donkey with one leg ?
A wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye ?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love ?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind ?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes ?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano ?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Truck ?



















F#CKING TALENTED !!!!!!!!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Richard Ruck
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Post by Richard Ruck » Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:27 pm

Keep 'em coming, J.R.

No-one under 16 here, so it's quite safe!

By the way, just out of curiosity, and I have to ask, was it you or the software which censored the word 'bum'?

I suppose I'll find out once I've submitted the post......
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by Richard Ruck » Fri Jun 10, 2005 1:31 pm

A virile, young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom to do what comes naturally.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... You finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No. " Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion.

The love-making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and twisting the bed sheets.

The exhausted young man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?

Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear........................












"No, I'm Norwegian
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Mid A 15
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Post by Mid A 15 » Fri Jun 10, 2005 6:00 pm

What is the similarity between plastic bags and Michael Jackson??

They are both dangerous for small children (allegedly)
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 11, 2005 9:55 am

Richard Ruck wrote:Keep 'em coming, J.R.

No-one under 16 here, so it's quite safe!

By the way, just out of curiosity, and I have to ask, was it you or the software which censored the word 'bum'?

I suppose I'll find out once I've submitted the post......
ME !! Just in case..............
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 11, 2005 10:00 am

OK Then ! Lets try this one !
________________________

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah ? Who was the guy ?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer ?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing ?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah ? What would Tiger do ?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing ?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah ? What would Tiger do ?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service ?"


"No !! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this d@mn hole."

(any readers from OB's golf society should luv it !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 11, 2005 10:01 am

Eight Words With Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 11, 2005 10:03 am

"He Said - She Said !"

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you ?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight ?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and f@rt !

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking ?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night ?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women ?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 11, 2005 10:05 am

Cured !

A guy walks into a doctor's office and stutters, "Da-da-doc, I've ba-ba-been sta-sta-stuttering for ye-ye-years, and I ca-ca-can't stand it anymo-mo-more ! Can you he-he-help me ?"

The doctor answers "Well, I'll have to give you a thorough examination first, but in some cases there is a cure."

So the doctor puts the guy through a battery of tests, and says, "I think I know what's causing your stuttering."

The guy excitedly asks, "Well, wa-wa-what is it, da-da-doctor ?"

"It's your pen1s. I know that sounds crazy, but you have an unusually large pen1s - it's almost two feet long. It seems the weight is putting a strain on your vocal cords which most men never have to deal with."

The guy asks, "Wa-wa-what can we da-da-do ?"

"Well, we could remove it and transplant a shorter one."

"Do it !" the guy replies.

So they go through the operation, and three weeks later the guy comes in for a follow up appointment. He says, "Doc, you solved my stuttering problem. I don't know how to thank you. But I've only had sex once in three weeks - my wife just doesn't like it anymore with my new, shorter pen1s. I've thought about it, and I decided I can put up with the stuttering easier than going without the sex - I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "No-no-nope. A da-da-deal's a da-da-deal !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Mon Jun 13, 2005 12:24 pm

The Hammer !!

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You b******.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You b******.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says,

''Fifteen years I lived next door to that b****** and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one !!!''
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Tue Jun 14, 2005 7:02 am

The Music Tree !

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing ?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta' be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try ?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car-keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck
happened to you ?"

He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said,

"This just ain't gonna' be lucky your day !!!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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