Jokes, please.....

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sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Tue Dec 06, 2011 10:47 am

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the 'guards', probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the cattle guards immediately!
Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden intervened with a request that...before any cattle guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining to become Arizona border guards. "Times are hard", said Joe Biden, "it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!"

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Dec 12, 2011 10:23 am


Scientists at the Large Hadron Collider have discovered a new element, a strange, beige coloured metal. It may be named magnolium.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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NEILL THE NOTORIOUS
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS » Mon Dec 12, 2011 11:34 am

A further isotope of this has appeared ------ MAGNOLIA -- which is white or purple, according to it's electrical charge.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by AKAP » Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:54 pm

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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Mid A 15
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 » Fri Dec 16, 2011 6:34 pm

AKAP wrote:When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
I like that :santa:
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:03 am

Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:04 am

My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:05 am

You don't have to be an Engineer to appreciate this -

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million)later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flashlights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should.The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. "That's some money well spent!" - he says,before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good. Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.

"Oh, that," says one of the workers – "one of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang"!
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:05 am

Happy Christmas

As the Christmas spirit will be flowing over the festivities I thought I would share this with you all . . .

I would like to share an experience about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many ales and a couple of very nice single malts for the road, lovely! Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got it.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by bluegrunt » Tue Jan 03, 2012 3:51 pm

jhopgood wrote:Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
Funny but sadly incorrect.
LHA 69-72; Col A 72-75

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:40 pm

THE BAPTIST CHURCH DINNER!


A group of friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too dear."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see cattle eating them and they're OK."So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Janet's ear.

She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible.We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Janet,"You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:19 pm

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS » Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:07 pm

Love it !!!

The best joke for some time !

I quote Terence Rattigan ---- "The Royal Navy is the Silent Service --- It has a great deal about which to be silent !"



Being a mere Ex- Pongo, I retire to my dugout, to await "Incoming" !

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Jan 17, 2012 10:51 am

Who says the Scottish have long pockets and short arms?

10 cents a drink......................

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Adelaide, Australia. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you ! What'll it be, gentlemen ?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says,
"That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece ?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Tasmania,"
the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10 cents. Wine, liquor, beer's all the same."

"Holy Sh1t !! That's some story !"

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them ?"

The bartender says, "They're tourists from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Cazzro » Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:56 pm

Wow :D jokes for life literally......

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