Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:34 am

This forum not so popular as it used to be !
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Cazzro » Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:44 am

Well all the jokes are there so not really a problem :P

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 11:50 am

to the tune of Only Fools and Horses:

"No income tax, no VAT, no points last week off Man City, futures grim, hes looking pale, harry redknapps off to jail!"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 » Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:28 pm

Dalglish, Wenger, Redknapp, Boas and Ferguson all sitting in a pub. Wenger goes up to the bar, buys the first round. Boas buys the second, Redknapp buys the third (via his accountant). Fergie buys the 4th and Kenny buys the 5th, but doesn't return with a drink for Fergie. "Where's mine?" Fergie asks, "Sorry" says Kenny"...." this is the 5th round and you're not in it...."
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by bluegrunt » Mon Jan 30, 2012 8:01 pm

Stephen Hester the head of RBS says he's been held to ransom over his huge bonus.
What else can you say to a Hester ransom but, that's life?
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Mon Jan 30, 2012 9:32 pm

GROAN!
:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Fjgrogan » Wed Feb 01, 2012 1:56 pm

........ or perhaps you could use a straw?
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NTN » Thu Feb 09, 2012 11:10 am

Mid A 15 wrote:to the tune of Only Fools and Horses:

"No income tax, no VAT, no points last week off Man City, futures grim, hes looking pale, harry redknapps off to jail!"
Oh no he ain't !!!

And it cost £8 million to find that out !!!

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Feb 09, 2012 1:19 pm

NTN wrote:
Mid A 15 wrote:to the tune of Only Fools and Horses:

"No income tax, no VAT, no points last week off Man City, futures grim, hes looking pale, harry redknapps off to jail!"
Oh no he ain't !!!

And it cost £8 million to find that out !!!

Absolutely the right result, in my book. The CPS b@llsed it up, yet again, and HR now in a very good position to sue Plod !!!
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:28 pm

SOME ONE LINERS - SOME NEW, SOME OLD !!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified !

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. A s I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an R A C van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country ?'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 5:21 pm

The Pope is visiting Liverpool.

A little boy approaches him and asks " Can you help with my hearing".

The Pope looks at the boy and places his hands over the boy's ears.

As The Pope removes his hands, he asks "Has that helped your hearing?"

The little boy replies "I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday".
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 » Mon Apr 02, 2012 12:49 am

A man and his wife were sitting in a pub having a quiet drink. The man sighed and said "I love you more than anything else in world".
"Is that you or the beer talking?" asked the wife.
"I was talking to the beer" the husband replied!
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Mon Apr 02, 2012 10:02 pm

While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa !" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Apr 08, 2012 1:07 pm

jhopgood wrote:While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.

When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"

"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa !" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.

"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

I really like that one John, even if NOT particularly PC>
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Tue May 01, 2012 9:38 pm

A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,found themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied.... 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow!...............That's a great idea!' he exclaimed...............
'Good,' she replied................'Get your own "f" blanket.'
...............After a moment of silence........... he farted.
The End.
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