Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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Post by J.R. » Tue Jun 14, 2005 7:07 am

Sorry !

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pub1c hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry ! Had to mow the lawn."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by Richard Ruck » Wed Jun 15, 2005 12:13 pm

Old-fashioned, rather rude un-P.C. joke......

A guy decides to have a fancy dress party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear, delight, etc .

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

And the guy says," I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink."

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotions are these supposed to be?!?!"

Paddy replies, "Well, Oi'm fockin' discustard, and Mick here has just come in dis pear"
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by tobeconfirmed » Wed Jun 15, 2005 2:07 pm

Two cringing ones courtesy of John Humphrys on 'Today'.

What type of pie can fly?
A magpie!

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots-et-'em-all!

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Post by Richard Ruck » Wed Jun 15, 2005 2:10 pm

Hmmm, Mr. H. should stick to the interviews, I think!
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by J.R. » Wed Jun 15, 2005 2:29 pm

Two rather effeminate males return home in the early hours after a good night out.

Julian says to Sandy, "Open the front door, then !"

Sandy, "I haven't got the key - You Have !"

After establishing the neither of them has a front door key, they find an extendable ladder leaning against next doors shed.

Julian places it up against a partly open upstairs bedroom window and shimmies up to effect entry.

As he reaches the window, he looks down and squeaks, "Ooooh Sandy ! I feel JUST like a fireman !!"

Sandy minces from foot to foot and replies, "Julian, for Gods sake stop p1ssing about ! Where do you think you're going to find a fireman at this time of night !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by Richard Ruck » Wed Jun 15, 2005 5:03 pm

J.R., I hope that you're not suggesting that Julian is an effeminate name?!?!?

Made me laugh, anyway.

One of my mates is a fireman - he has to put up with an inordinate amount of jokes about helmets and hosepipes....

Actually, would I be right in assuming that the names are taken from 'Round the Horne'?
Last edited by Richard Ruck on Wed Jun 15, 2005 5:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by J.R. » Wed Jun 15, 2005 5:49 pm

Richard Ruck wrote:J.R., I hope that you're not suggesting that Julian is an effeminate name?!?!?

Made me laugh, anyway.

One of my mates is a fireman - he has to put up with inordinate amount of jokes about helmets and hosepipes....

Actually, would I be right in assuming that the names are taken from 'Round the Horne'?
Yup ! But that's showing our age !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Wed Jun 15, 2005 5:55 pm

Subject: Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike ?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice - The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they ?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night ?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work ?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work ?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost ?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that ?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned It to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool !! "
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by Richard Ruck » Thu Jun 16, 2005 12:22 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

____________________________________________________


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________________


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

____________________________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

____________________________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

____________________________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

____________________________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

____________________________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: OK
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

____________________________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere...
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:47 pm

The Ventriloquist !

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on the gate, by his field, patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man "Can I talk to your dog ?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner ?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you ?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse ?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool !!"

Villager: (totally dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner ?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you ?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep ?"

Villager: (in a panic) "That sheep's a f**king liar !!!!!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by tobeconfirmed » Sat Jun 18, 2005 1:39 pm

A couple more courtroom howlers from a book called 'The World's Stupidest Laws':

Q: Was it you or your wife that was murdered?
_______________________________________

Q: So you have three children, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Q: How many of them are boys?
A: None.
Q: Are there any girls?
____________________

Q: Did he kill you?
_______________

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

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Post by J.R. » Sat Jun 18, 2005 1:49 pm

Shamus and Murphy !

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's Shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy ? Now we don't have any money left at all !"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and Two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in ? We haven't got any money !!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers !" They Downed their drinks.

Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on Your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' This. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me !"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel ? I lost the sausage in the third pub !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by marty » Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:35 am

Air Lingus flight 123 is approaching Heathrow:

PILOT: Dis is Air Lingus floight one, two, tree - permission to land please.

TOWER: This is Heathrow - please state your height and position AL 123.

PILOT: Oim five foot nine and oim sittin at the front of the plane!
I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.

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Post by J.R. » Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:43 am

ONE FOR THE WELSH !!!


A bus load of tourists are driving through Wales . as they're approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they all start arguing about the pronunciation of the towns name.

They continue to argue back and forth until finally they stop for lunch , at which point one of the tourists nabs a waitress and asks her, "Could you settle an arguement for me please ? I need you to pronounce where we are ..... very slowly !!.

The waitress then leans over the counter and says,

"BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ----- GERRRRRRR KIIIIIIIING" !!!!!!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Mon Jun 20, 2005 10:49 am

Who Beats A Princess ??

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be absolutely super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from nobody."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, BITCH . "
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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