Jokes, please.....

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jtaylor
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Post by jtaylor » Mon Jul 11, 2005 9:53 pm

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
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" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
Julian Taylor-Gadd
Leigh Hunt 1985-1992
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Great Plum
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Post by Great Plum » Tue Jul 12, 2005 9:00 am

Oh dear! :lol:
Maine B - 1992-95 Maine A 1995-99

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:39 am

That's a classic, Julian - Old, but classic.

Try this one. As someone married for well over 30 years I can relate to this................

20 Years.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear ?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night ?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16 ?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love ?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will have you sent to jail for 20 years ?'"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...


"I would be getting out today !!!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Great Plum
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Post by Great Plum » Tue Jul 12, 2005 10:54 am

Ever wondered...

....why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

....why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

....why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

....why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

....why doctors call what they do "practice"?

....why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows?

....why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?

....why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

....why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

....who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

....why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

....why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

....why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box ?

....why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

....why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

....if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

....why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only
time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that
would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a
suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't
this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and........I'm taking
this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's
superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Maine B - 1992-95 Maine A 1995-99

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Post by eloisec » Tue Jul 12, 2005 12:25 pm

Great Plum wrote:Ever wondered...
....why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
or why dyslexia is such an awkward word to spell ...
Last edited by eloisec on Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Eloise Carpenter
Col.A 87-94

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Post by jtaylor » Tue Jul 12, 2005 4:28 pm

...and about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic, who kept waking up at night wondering whether there was a dog....

Dyslexics of the world untie!

J
Julian Taylor-Gadd
Leigh Hunt 1985-1992
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Post by J.R. » Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:16 am

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of an exclusive golf club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello ?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club ?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it ?"
"What's the price ?"
"Only £150.000."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you ?"
"Only £60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What ?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale !! Remember ? The one with a pool, an acre of park area, beach-front property ... "
"How much are they asking ?"
"Only £950,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid £800,000. OK ?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks ! I'll see you later !! I love you !!!"
"Bye ... Love you too ........... "



The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to ?"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Fri Jul 15, 2005 12:12 pm

Received this, this morning. Highly amusing, but will probably get me into trouble with the Europhiles on here !

President Chirac of France has officially raised the French terror alert from "Run" to "Hide".

There are only two higher alert levels in France, which are:-


"Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise in this security alert was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by jtaylor » Fri Jul 15, 2005 12:19 pm

How can you possibly not love the Irish? Actual "Personal ads" in the Dublin News:
------------------------------------------------------
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has
been known to starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
------------------------------------------------------
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this
cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
------------------------------------------------------
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,
maybe more.
--------------- ---------------------------------------
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old ******, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady,
with a lovely chest.
------------------------------------------------------
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the
night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
------------------------------------------------------
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister
Julian Taylor-Gadd
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Post by J.R. » Sat Jul 16, 2005 1:10 pm

Some classic 'School' jokes !

________________________________

Kids in school think quickly ....and will make you laugh as long as they aren't yours !

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is !
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria !
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile ?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water ?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O !!
TEACHER : What are you talking about ?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?
TINO : Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating ?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
CLYDE : No, Miss. It's the same dog !
__________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ?
HAROLD : A teacher.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sun Jul 17, 2005 11:38 am

I received this today and thought it brilliant.

I've had to change a couple of spellings slightly, or probably fall foul of the dreaded spelling censor, so I hope it makes sense.

____________________________________

The Power of the English Language.

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat @rse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful web-site....HOW ?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my test1cles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important test1cle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh1t, that they had attained the holy p1ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of ******** you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wan*ers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts !!


John.

(Just noticed, the sinful-spell-checker doesn't like the replacement of an 'a' with an '@', so I've had to use an '*'. Hope you can fillin the missing letters. This is what I CALL a letter of complaint !!) J.R.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by J.R. » Sun Jul 24, 2005 11:20 am

'Er indoors received some 'funny-puns' yesterday.

Most of them are old-hat, but one or two of them tickled my fancy, especially this one.

____________________

As you know, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. . (Oh, this is so bad, it's almost good)



. . . A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by Richard Ruck » Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:07 pm

Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before."

The second nun replied "It's the cobblestones."
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Sun Jul 24, 2005 12:13 pm

Richard Ruck wrote:Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the first nun says "I've never come this way before."

The second nun replied "It's the cobblestones."
I thought it was Guildford High Street ??
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by Slugs » Sun Jul 24, 2005 8:27 pm

Whats the difference between SMARTIES and COCKNEYS?






















SMARTIES don't melt in the tube.

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