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Jokes, please.....

Posted: Mon May 23, 2005 3:03 pm
by Richard Ruck
Anyone have any decent ( or even crap) jokes to share? It would be nice to have a thread which can be relied upon to raise a titter or two.

I'll contribute a few which have been shamelessly nicked from elsewhere....

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A woman standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the woman sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 1:10 pm
by marty
How do you cancel your appointment at the sperm bank?
Simple, just call them and say you can't come.

What's the difference between a London Underground worker on strike and a terrorist?
Sometimes you can reason with a terrorist.

If anybody is interested I occasionally write stories for a website called "the spoof" ( You can find my stories by going to the site map and searching for a story under my pen name which is sir charles cheesecake...

Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 1:23 pm
by Richard Ruck
With apologies to royalists and matelots....

Apparently, by the evening of the Royal Wedding, Camilla was becoming increasingly uncomfortable in her regal attire. Unfortunately, her shoes were too small and by the time the festivities were over Camilla's feet were in agony. When Charles and Camilla retired to their bridal suite, she was desperate to remove the ill-fitting shoes.

Some members of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and heard exactly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Charles say, "Golly, that was tight." After which the Queen whispered, "There, I told you Camilla was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say, "Right, now for the other one." This was followed by even more grunting and straining, after which Charles exclaimed, "Good heavens above, that was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke ..................."once a sailor, always a sailor!"

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 12:20 am
by Laura M
Yup as a Matelot am very offended!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ok jokes jokes jokes......let me think, will the jokes I publish just end up as a series of asterixs I wonder?????

Mickey Mouse was visiting his lawyer as he wanted a divorce from Minnie Mouse. His lawyer began to answer some of Mickeys questions, 'Now Mickey I understand you are frustrated but there is no way you can get a divorce just because you think Minnies crazy.'
'CRAZY!!!' Mickey responded 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was **** Goofy!!!'

If you don't get that one you have had a stunted childhood!! :lol:

Ok it does star out the rude word well you can guess what it is, give you a clue begins with F.

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 11:56 am
by aguinaga
What's brown and half-eaten?

The Pope's easter egg.

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 4:56 pm
by Hendrik
Aid worker: "I've invented a new foldable washing-up tub for the Tsunami victims."
Friend: "Why would they need a foldable washing-up tub? I heard they were all washing up on the beach"

Posted: Wed May 25, 2005 6:23 pm
by J.R.
Got this one of my 'footy' site today ! Priceless !!

It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "And this is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "What are they called?"

"Surely, that's obvious," replied the conductor !

"They are the Moron Tap-an-apple Choir !!"

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:05 pm
by Mid A 15
Michael Jackson was allegedly bored one night in the hotel where he is staying during the duration of his trial.

He said to his bodyguard "how about getting a dvd to watch?"

The bodyguard asked Michael what he would like him to get:

"Alladin" said Michael.

"Hasn't that got you in enough trouble already?" said the bodyguard.

Apparently David and Victoria Beckham invited Michael Jackson onto their yacht.

"I'd love to come on your little cruise" said Michael.

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:11 pm
by J.R.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:27 pm
by Richard Ruck
An ancient M.J. joke....

In an attempt to get even with her husband, Victoria Beckham has claimed that she has an affair with Michael Jackson when she was recording her latest album in Manhattan.

Jackson refutes these claims, stating that he was in Brooklyn at the time...

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 1:41 pm
by Mid A 15
What is the difference between cheese and men?

Cheese matures.

Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2005 3:29 pm
by Richard Ruck
Another one nicked from the Planet Rugby website...

There were two nuns ...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have sex with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me.

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

Not vintage, I know, but most of the jokes I find would be asterisked out of existence on here......

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 12:35 pm
by J.R.
American Furniture Dealer.

Bob from Kansas, a furniture dealer, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), Bob met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kansas. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down.

Bob tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, Bob took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she
nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They
danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bob has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business !! :oops:

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 1:46 pm
by Great Plum
Oh dear! LOL

Happy birthday btw! :)

Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 2:02 pm
by Richard Ruck
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. He quickly freezes like a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his todger. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look"says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his willy ....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"