Darwin Awards

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jhopgood
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Darwin Awards

Post by jhopgood » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:00 pm

I am sure everyone knows that the Darwin Awards are handed out to those who deserve not to procreate. I have not seen them mentioned elsewhere, but if they are, I am sure someone will let me know.
If not, here they are, with requests for CH candidates.
When I ran on the Hash, we had a pr..k of the week award, for the most stupid activity, such as getting trapped out on your balcony in the nude, just after everyone had left for school or work.
No, not me.
Anyway, here goes in reverse order
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed
gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both
him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a
woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.
Last edited by jhopgood on Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by jhopgood » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:00 pm

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
details before arriving, except that someone had reported that
his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the
man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to
check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around
his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man -
who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man
had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch
over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the
sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story,
after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.

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Post by jhopgood » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:01 pm

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on
highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously
injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road
accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination,
were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been
distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring (pocket animal), which had
started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to
use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped
a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his
car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
death was "Major trauma".

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Post by jhopgood » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:01 pm

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he
and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate
- was hospitalised.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights,
power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into
his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.

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Post by jhopgood » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:02 pm

The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award goes to....

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and
dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez,
the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the
ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum
was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of
the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
threesome were asked to leave the course.

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Wed Nov 23, 2005 5:12 pm

Brilliant John !

I remember receiving lasts years awards.

I feel a fair amount of 'cutting' and 'pasting' coming on !.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Richard Ruck
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Post by Richard Ruck » Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:03 pm

jhopgood wrote: To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
Bl*ody careless, eh?
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. » Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:08 pm

Richard Ruck wrote:
jhopgood wrote: To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
Bl*ody careless, eh?
.......... but somewhat neccessary when having ones family jewels being noshed by something other than a nice warm.....................
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Post by AKAP » Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:09 pm

I bet he cried when ne broke his new driver

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Richard Ruck
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Post by Richard Ruck » Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:10 pm

He probably shouted "Oh boll*cks!"........
Ba.A / Mid. B 1972 - 1978

Thee's got'n where thee cassn't back'n, hassn't?

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Post by sejintenej » Wed Nov 23, 2005 7:41 pm

J.R. wrote: I remember receiving lasts years awards.
posthumously or posthumourously??

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Post by Euterpe13 » Thu Nov 24, 2005 7:46 am

Does anyone know whether a doctor is allowed to write " cause of death: stupidity" on a death certificate ? Or would that be a trifle callous ?
Hertford - 5s/2s - 63-70
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Post by jhopgood » Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:37 am

My father's death cerificate said "Old Age", which upset my mother who is a retired SRN.

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Post by J.R. » Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:39 am

Has to be better than -

"Severance of the third vertabra, consistant with juidicial hanging."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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englishangel
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Post by englishangel » Thu Nov 24, 2005 11:47 am

J.R. wrote:Has to be better than -

"Severance of the third vertabra, consistant with juidicial hanging."
Why, have they brought it back for making bad taste jokes?

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