How long before the crying stops?

[loringa]

Being at boarding school (and I'm talking about 35-40 years ago) can give you many advantages in life. It is unlikely to result in a closer relationship with your immediate family.

I don't agree with this. Assuming one comes from a loving and supportive home I am sure that the majority of us would / did enjoy being at home but the mere fact that one was away from home for two thirds of the year undoubtedly made us, well me certainly, appreciate the time I had there all the more. I never took the simple pleasures of being at home for granted and I am firmly of the belief that absence in my case certainly made the heart grow fonder. My brother and three sisters all spent some at least of their secondary education living at home and their normal teenage rebellion during this time created tensions which simply were never there either between my parents and me or with my siblings. I joined the Armed Forces directly upon leaving CH and have spent many of the intervening years travelling the world. I have had a ball, a fabulous time but I have always maintained an excellent relationship with my family, all of whom I love to bits and whose company I continue to enjoy as I have always done on the comparitively rare occasions when we get together. I have absolutely no doubt that not spending too much time at home is precisely what engendered the close relationship we all continue to enjoy. Whilst this will undoubtedly not be the case for everyone, I can't believe that I'm entirely alone in holding these views.

[J.R.]

And I've been able to thank Sarah T later in life for keeping an eye on my criminal tendencies.

Do please elaborate, Angela !!!!

[Great Plum]

Being at boarding school (and I'm talking about 35-40 years ago) can give you many advantages in life. It is unlikely to result in a closer relationship with your immediate family.

I don't agree with this. Assuming one comes from a loving and supportive home I am sure that the majority of us would / did enjoy being at home but the mere fact that one was away from home for two thirds of the year undoubtedly made us, well me certainly, appreciate the time I had there all the more. I never took the simple pleasures of being at home for granted and I am firmly of the belief that absence in my case certainly made the heart grow fonder. My brother and three sisters all spent some at least of their secondary education living at home and their normal teenage rebellion during this time created tensions which simply were never there either between my parents and me or with my siblings. I joined the Armed Forces directly upon leaving CH and have spent many of the intervening years travelling the world. I have had a ball, a fabulous time but I have always maintained an excellent relationship with my family, all of whom I love to bits and whose company I continue to enjoy as I have always done on the comparitively rare occasions when we get together. I have absolutely no doubt that not spending too much time at home is precisely what engendered the close relationship we all continue to enjoy. Whilst this will undoubtedly not be the case for everyone, I can't believe that I'm entirely alone in holding these views.

Interestingly, many of my contemporaries in the 90's went home after leaving CH and promptly never really lived at home again as they were so used to their independance... I wouldn't say they had a bad relationship with their parents, they just 'grew up' a lot quicker. Most of my CH friends of my age have moved out long ago - post CH friends are often still with parents...

[blondie95]

I quite agree Plum, in the 2 years i was at ch i really learnt to 'live' on my own and once i was at uni the 3mth summer breaks were hard work being at home! I had gotten so used to having my own space, doing things my way and when i wanted too. And the tensions that brewed between me, siblings and parents would have been there regardless of where i had gone to school-we are all too similar so clash! And yes many of my post CH friends are stil living at home. Although my brother who went to the local 6th form college then to uni also got very used to living alone and finds being at home for any period of time 'frustrating'.
I think its natural that the children as they grow up start to find being at home with their parents for any long period of time difficult-not because they have poor relationships with their parents but because they are discovering their own independence and approach to living

[sejintenej]

Being at boarding school (and I'm talking about 35-40 years ago) can give you many advantages in life. It is unlikely to result in a closer relationship with your immediate family.

I don't agree with this. Assuming ..............................

Exactly; it is always subject to assumptions.
One has to look always at the circumstances surrounding any one individual. Read the stories about kids who survived the bombing of the East End and how, as gangs, they fought to survive. There was no room / time to think about family (who were almost certainly gone in any case ) or siblings who might have been got rid of in far parts of the country.
In my day CH was about kids living in conditions which would not be tolerated these days, where kids could be actually injured for being in the wrong place at the wrong time in their own homes. Although he knows his own mother and father my best man was brought up in a home run by a well known charity - the stories he tells are pretty horrific so he and I share a similar cynicism. One boy who came into Col A at the same time as me was merely sent to CH to get rid of him by parents who lived abroad; who wants parents like that?
IMHO Philip is correct in relation to most cases in my generation. For the present molly-coddled generation I cannot "speak"

[Laura12]

My son also started in the second form this year.
On dropping him off in September I managed to keep it together until I got back in the car and then howled all the way back home.It is hard. I was in tears most of the first 3 weeks so please don't think you are alone in your 'grief'. He is my only child but I keep reminding myself that it's for the best in the long run. I returned to work shortly after he started school which helped.
Are you near enough to the school to go and watch any sporting fixtures ?
I try and go to any that my son is in which also helps. Normally I'm the only CH parent there !
I hope it is getting better for you and the long half term must of helped.

[englishangel]

Welcome Laura, it's nice to know you are close enough to support the sporting fixtures. Wrap up warm.

[huggermugger]

Hellooo

Not been around for a while (mainly because I haven't been well but that's another story ) however....

The new Mums have hopefully read the rest of this forum, particularly this section & found out that amongst last year's "intake" of Mothers the story was much the same - we confessed to things like sleeping in our children's beds, inability to look at photographs of our kids, inability to go into our kids rooms...

It is a form of bereavement, I think, and the worst part of it is a) it is self-imposed and b) you are totally unsure whether you've done the right thing. It's a dreadful mix of grief and guilt.

I have to tell you, I can and do still cry over sending my DS to CH. I certainly cry whenever I relive those early days and I have cried again reading some of these posts.

Most of what has been said above I can agree with. In particular I agree with JR, Julian and Ajarn Phillip all of whom were enormously supportive whilst I had my online crisis (crises!). I have always been honest with my DS about my own ambivalence about boarding and my worries for/about him. But I've been careful not to pour my emotion out on him - he's got enough to deal with. I agree that it's important that your child is able to tell you how they feel, good or bad and if you react too strongly to that they're just not going to tell you.

All I can really say is that it's a huge adjustment and that the majority of us and our children do make that adjustment and come out the other side. It becomes a way of life for both of you and I make sure that we make the most of the time we have together. A year down the line my relationship with my DS is extremely good, he is happy and doing well; I am content that I made the right decision. Would I go through all that again? That's an impossible question!

[ReallyMissingHer]

I've popped back and thought I would update you!

The last 2 weeks of term before Christmas I didn't hear from my daughter she was far too happy to miss me. I get the occasionaly phone call & email and she definately tells me far more than ever before, include lots of good stuff. The girls in her house are more settled. Her sisters still miss her like crazy and she gets on much better with them now - I think she appreciates them in a new way.

I am used to it now and I even say goodbye without being upset, she usually bounds off without a backward glance. I'm now wondering if after 4 weeks of the Easter Hols I'll be the one chomping at the bit for her to go back and give me my space back. Still I have plans that include training her up in making evening meals in case I ever make it back to work!

[J.R.]

I've popped back and thought I would update you!

The last 2 weeks of term before Christmas I didn't hear from my daughter she was far too happy to miss me. I get the occasionaly phone call & email and she definately tells me far more than ever before, include lots of good stuff. The girls in her house are more settled. Her sisters still miss her like crazy and she gets on much better with them now - I think she appreciates them in a new way.

I am used to it now and I even say goodbye without being upset, she usually bounds off without a backward glance. I'm now wondering if after 4 weeks of the Easter Hols I'll be the one chomping at the bit for her to go back and give me my space back. Still I have plans that include training her up in making evening meals in case I ever make it back to work!

Great news !

[huggermugger]

Amen to that.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Ch has changed a lot since my day -- (Duvets ?) but I think I can say with confidence, that your Daughter will, in years to come, appreciate her time at the Best School in the World.
Yes, of course the first few months are a Trial -- getting used to new surroundings and new customs and rules. but it doesn't last !
Again, of course ', what child ever confronted the return to School with Joy and Acclamastion ?
This also applies to Non- Boarding Establishments. ! !
You are quite right to feel upset at losing your "Baby " for a time -----mine are 55 and 50 and I still love 'em to bits -- although, sometimes I could break their necks ! !
Your feelings -- and hers-- are natural and to be expected , just be supportive of each other !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Ch has changed a lot since my day -- (Duvets ?) but I think I can say with confidence, that your Daughter will, in years to come, appreciate her time at the Best School in the World.
Yes, of course the first few months are a Trial -- getting used to new surroundings and new customs and rules. but it doesn't last !
Again, of course ', what child ever confronted the return to School with Joy and Acclamastion ?
This also applies to Non- Boarding Establishments. ! !
You are quite right to feel upset at losing your "Baby " for a time -----mine are 55 and 50 and I still love 'em to bits -- although, sometimes I could break their necks ! !
Your feelings -- and hers-- are natural and to be expected , just be supportive of each other !

Neill Evans Ba B 1940-1946

[ReallyMissingHer]

Never hear from her these days

Still I'm very glad I've got 3 much younger daughters to keep me occupied/entertained/stressed and they are very very unlikely to go to CH which is a shame in some ways.

[DavidRawlins]

Crying is not uncommon at the Leaving Service