Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Tue May 01, 2012 9:40 pm

After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him
hauled out his mobile and started up:-
"Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss
no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bl**dy phone off and come back to bed!!"

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:28 pm

EDINBURGH FESTIVAL - ONE LINERS - PLUS. (Tim Vine is the MASTER !)

•1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
•2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
•3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
•4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
•5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know Y."
•6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
•7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
•8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
•9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
•10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

________________________________


I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......
______________________________________

Exit signs, they're on the way out. (Tim Vine)
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

kerrensimmonds
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Wed Aug 22, 2012 1:37 pm

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
Kerren Simmonds
5's and 2's Hertford, 1957-1966

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John Knight
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by John Knight » Wed Oct 10, 2012 5:11 pm

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found
out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you reallywant it."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:25 pm

ONE LINERS - Some Old and some new !!

· The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

· A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

· I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

· My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

· I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

· I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

· I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

· Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

· My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

· Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

· Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

· I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

· I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

· A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

· I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

· The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

· The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

· When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin' thing.

· Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

· Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

· A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked

· Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

sejintenej
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Will I Live to see 80?

Post by sejintenej » Wed Nov 14, 2012 6:59 pm

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh1t? '
“When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love ...”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 167AD

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by anniexf » Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:58 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Nov 27, 2012 11:49 am

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030 ??

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.


Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.


Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.. No other country comes forward.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten-year, £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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marty
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by marty » Tue Nov 27, 2012 1:18 pm

I don't like floors, I'm more of a ceiling fan.
I'm Fiona Bruce. Now the regional news, all my regions are just as fantastic as the rest of me.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sat Dec 01, 2012 1:38 pm

The importance of accuracy in your tax return.

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return. The HMRC has returned the Tax Return to a man in Evesham after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, 'Do you have anyone dependant on you' ?',

The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 900,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out ?".
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

sejintenej
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Advent calendars

Post by sejintenej » Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:19 pm

Just got one of those Jehovah’s Witness advent calendars.

Every time I open a door someone tells me to p**s off…

sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:20 pm

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a sprained wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently, she stood him up.

sejintenej
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Disciplmine for children

Post by sejintenej » Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:22 pm

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...


http://images.sodahead.com/profiles/0/0 ... 9/1/pilots...

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Dec 16, 2012 2:26 pm

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £5 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £10 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Dec 23, 2012 12:56 pm

SOME PEOPLE SHOULD SIMPLY STAY AT HOME -

From Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some guests' genuine complaints during the season.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."





They walk amongst us and they vote !!! Be afraid ! Be very afraid !!!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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