Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:49 pm

A tortoise gets mugged by three snails.

The police turn up and ask the tortoise for a statement.

"I'm sorry officer I can't remember a thing," says the tortoise "it all happened in a flash".
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sat Jan 26, 2013 12:52 pm

A man is watching TV.

Some creepy organ music is playing, when he suddenly shouts at the screen, "Don't go in the church you stupid idiot !!"

His wife walks in and asks "Ooh what's that you're watching ?"

Husband : "Our wedding video."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:41 am

A FEW 'QUICKIES' !

Brits and the Polish aren't as different as we’d like to think:
We both drink too much booze, eat a lot of meat and neither of us want to be in Poland.

I've just heard a lamb on a karaoke machine. She did a great rendition of Paul Simon's 'You can call me Halal !

Sky news: Missing US tourist found dead in Turkey.
Kind of overshadows the horse meat found in burgers story eh ?

I watched my wife sleeping and thought, "Our marriage it going downhill. All I seem to do is spend money on her and I'm starting to resent it."
To make things worse, I've got to take her on honeymoon tomorrow !

I can't believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online !
I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.

What separates men from animals ?
Divorce

A gymnast walks into a bar.
She gets a two-point deduction and ruins her chances of a medal.

Tory MPs are urging David Cameron to delay a decision on gay marriage.
I bet it was George Osborne who proposed to him.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:43 am

A 'pikey' mate has just got his kids a trampoline and a couple of bikes for next Christmas from the internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on.

He replied, "Google Earth !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Feb 04, 2013 11:44 am

Today I bought myself some sensible walkin boots, a new ordinance survey map, a nice hand carved walkin stick & a rucksack. Then I went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, Then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...

...oh, Sorry mate, I'm rambling !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:32 pm

Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:43 pm

Some bloke hit me over the head with a Power Tool.


I was sitting there minding my own business.


The next thing I know.............................



"Bosch"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Feb 07, 2013 4:00 pm

STOP-PRESS

NEWS FLASH !!

King Richard III has just been crowned, the "1485 Hide and Seek Champion !!"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:47 pm

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarg and a younger Constable. The Sarg says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,'
says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first ! '

The Sarg says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarg says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bl**dy beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news ?' The bloke asks.

'Well', the Sarg says, 'If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again !!'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by John Knight » Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:05 am

Mohammed becomes Kevin

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
... Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.
"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two crazy Arabs."
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:22 pm

MUGGING IN CARDIFF !

South Wales Police have asked for witnesses to come forward regarding a brutal crime against 15 English men on a recent visit to Cardiff who were robbed of a Grand Slam they had come to collect and also had their chariot badly vandalised during the visit to the Welsh capital?

Apparently this heinous crime was carried out by a gang of 15 Welsh guys dressed in bright red shirts in broad daylight in front of 75,439 people who gathered around the gang attack and just stood there cheering, clapping and singing hymns and arias as if they were encouraging the gang.

A police spokesmen for the South Wales force said this "This sort of attack is just sickening....One of the victims was a young lad called Owen Farrell who was on his first trip to Wales and has been traumatised by the whole shocking experience and to make matters even worse his father was forced to watch the entire crime from start to finish and could not lift a finger to protect his son from the sickening and relentless battering meted out by the conspicuously dressed red shirted gang".

The police spokesman continued, "We are following a number of leads and believe this crimson shirted gang may be linked to a similar attack in Twickenham a year ago".


News update: Stuart Lancaster has decided to take his England squad on a day out to Longleat in the summer, as he believes this is the best chance they'll get of going on a Lions tour.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Apr 01, 2013 4:47 pm

True But Funny.

ALL AT SEA !!


Complaints by cruise ship passengers include one by a woman who moaned about the sea being "too loud", it has been revealed.

And a couple accused a captain of being "rude" for sailing off when they had left a note saying they needed more sightseeing time in port, according to cruise travel agency bonvoyage.co.uk.

One woman, having seen that Take That star Gary Barlow had been on her ship on an earlier trip, demanded an explanation as to why the singer was not on her voyage.

Then there was the man who complained about not getting "an impressive tan" and being unable to swim in the pool each day while on a trip around... ALASKA!

A woman travelling with the company called Celebrity Cruises asked for a refund as there were "no celebrities on board", while a Yorkshire couple wanted compensation after forking out "a lot more money than planned" on staff tips due to the excellent service.

The woman who complained about the loudness of the sea said she had not been able to sleep well on her Mediterranean cruise. She demanded cabins be "better sound-proofed against the sounds of the sea".

Another female traveller, having booked an inside cabin, then complained about not having a view of the sea and asked for a window to be installed.

Bonvoyage.co.uk cruise development manager Steph Curtin said: "From time to time we come across a few quirky complaints that we can do little to help. "I'm afraid we can't be held responsible for the sea being too loud or the lack of celebrities on board."

(Source: Swindon Advertiser)

They walk among us and they vote....be very afraid !
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:19 pm

Probably posted here before, but some of you may not have seen this.

It still has me in stitches !!


Solutions to Pilot Complaints

After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Wed May 15, 2013 1:36 pm

Time for a few more 'quickies'

Some old, some definitely new !!


______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

************************************************
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

************************************************
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

************************************************
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

************************************************
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

************************************************
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

************************************************
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

************************************************
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

************************************************
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

************************************************
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

************************************************
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.


************************************************
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

************************************************
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

************************************************
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

************************************************
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

************************************************
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, b****r the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

************************************************
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

**************************************************

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect".

**************************************************
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!"

**************************************************
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by DavidRawlins » Fri May 24, 2013 8:46 am

Farming Banter

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs
are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bl**dy bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.

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