Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Jun 13, 2013 3:18 pm

STRICTLY FOR LEXOPHILES

For those not certain about lexophiles - a lexophile is a lover of Words.


1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat Miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
15. A calendar's days are numbered.
16. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
17. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
18. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
19. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
20. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at Large.
21. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
22. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
23. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
24. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
25. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
26. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
27. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
28. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
29. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
30. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
31. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
32. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
33. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
34. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
36. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the grass.'
37. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
38. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Jul 02, 2013 12:56 pm

I'm sure this will cause some comment !!


A beautiful DHSS fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Dover immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Wiltshire with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

' PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ , overlooking the river.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Englishman with designer clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Brits..

' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Man U T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck, Dick-head, Now that you are a Brit, you have to fend for yourself.' And she disappeared!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Fri Aug 16, 2013 12:31 pm

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Fri Nov 15, 2013 11:25 am

CONTEMPORY PHILOSOPHERS. (I love 'em !!)


As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn*****

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone » Fri Nov 15, 2013 1:58 pm

For the science geeks among us:

Heisenberg is driving on the autobahn when he is stopped by the police.
The policeman asks "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies "No, but I do know where I am"
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Jan 07, 2014 2:10 pm

Breaking News..... Breaking News....

Local Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the backside in the last 48 hours.
They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate's funeral, quite sad really.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball............
It was a lovely service.


Irish Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ........
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year !
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on a computer and said to the couple, "£39..00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England !
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is "£39.00."


I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, Dad" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

A man entered a Elvis phone quiz and was informed to chose his prize of £50 or a free ticket to an Elvis impersonator show. He had to phone in for his prize.
The digital reply was 'Press 1 for the money 2 for the show.'
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sat Apr 05, 2014 3:31 pm

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by michael scuffil » Mon Apr 07, 2014 12:26 pm

J.R. wrote:When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Nice one.
Reminds me of the McGill postcard of a little girl leading a cow along the village street. Along comes village busybody: 'Little girl, what ARE you doing with that animal?'
Girl: 'Oi be takin' her to Farmer Giles' bull, ma'am.'
Lady: 'But... but.. Can't your father do it?'
Girl: 'Oh no, ma'am. It 'as to be a bull.'
Th.B. 27 1955-63

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:27 am

michael scuffil wrote:
J.R. wrote:When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." Said the 9 year old.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...


"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
Nice one.
Reminds me of the McGill postcard of a little girl leading a cow along the village street. Along comes village busybody: 'Little girl, what ARE you doing with that animal?'
Girl: 'Oi be takin' her to Farmer Giles' bull, ma'am.'
Lady: 'But... but.. Can't your father do it?'
Girl: 'Oh no, ma'am. It 'as to be a bull.
'

Which was faithfully reproduced in 'Carry On Camping'. Charles Hawtrey and a buxom young miss.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone » Wed Apr 09, 2014 5:19 pm

Well, now I'm in trouble. A few weeks ago my wife surprised me when she said "If you were going to have a threesome, which of my friends would you choose. Understand: this is not going to happen, but as a hypothetical case". Now, I was smart enough to say I would nerve consider a threesome, so the point was moot. To my surprise, she brought it up again, several times, and I noticed the "never going to happen" disappeared from the conversation. So, finally, I did it. I have to say the current difficulty is not all my fault: she might have made it clear that she expected to be one of the three.
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Thu Jun 12, 2014 3:18 pm

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do ?"
asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers !" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."


So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign ?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign ?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Mon Aug 04, 2014 6:23 pm

"I notice you didn't clock yourself in this morning. Giving us a few extra hours unpaid hey? I'm impressed" my boss said to me this morning.

That's what he thinks. I still haven't clocked myself out from yesterday.

..................................................................
Throughout history, people have used a number of methods to induce rain.

Typically these were of a rituallistic nature and had absolutely no effect. It was not until the mid 20th Century that Cloud Seeding was introduced, and its efficacy still remains the subject of much controversy.

To date, the only absolutely reliable method of inducing rainfall appears to be tabloid headlines to the effect that the current heatwave will continue for the next month. This method can also be used to reduce snowfall and stave off extreme temperatures.
..................................................................
I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on scouse culture I ordered months ago still wasn't in?

"it's not our fault" said the librarian

"Yeah that's the one" I replied

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If you eat pesto and get food poisoning... Is it pestocide?

Post by sejintenej » Mon Aug 04, 2014 6:36 pm

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients
with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets the first one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who Immediately begins
to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna
start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this
a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Sun Aug 17, 2014 4:25 pm

This may not to be to everyone's taste. If it is not for you, this will soon become apparent and you will be able to leave before much damage has been done. If you stay, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
The most interesting word in the English language:
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Dl1i656Ja2I?rel=0

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Sun Aug 17, 2014 11:54 pm

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk. You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana'.
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I hsd a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ’Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
‘Winnie the Sh*t’

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