Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:38 am

I need to pay my joining fee here, so I’ve been doing due diligence feverishly to try to avoid ‘Heard it, heard it’ when I post. My apologies for any I’ve missed.
What follows are from the archives of our little circle of circulation down under. What I’ve now copied from the Forum is going to pay my dues here for quite some time – thank you all very much.
Outside the closely-guarded Forum walls - we all enjoy a titter here, so if anyone has a little jewel that won’t make it past the censor, don’t forget us.
Which reminds me … There are some of the other guys who have said to me that should the occasional tasteful image of a cuddly lady cross my desk could I well, you know, maybe pass it their way.
So guys – nudge, nudge, wink, wink; any contribution gratefully received.
And, er, um, ladies; from what I’ve been reading I can understand if Hertford ladies might feel a bit shy, but Horsham ladies … Should any of you have the odd selfie you wouldn’t mind sharing, I can assure you it would be treated in the strictest confidence.
‘In your dreams, you dirty old s*d!’ Well, yes; maybe a little assertive, but I can understand where you’re coming from. But they’re just poor old pensioners, so I did feel obliged to ask on their behalves.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:40 am

Men have feelings too.
For example: we feel hungry.

Ladies, if a man says he’ll fix it, he will.
There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:43 am

Some have asked what I'm going to be doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide, with 12 turrets at various heights, windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighbourhood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The Building Inspector and Planning Officer told me;
Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:47 am

The (US) Tax System Explained in Beer

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer, and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day the owner threw them a curve ball. ‘Since you are all such good customers’, he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20’. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings:
• ‘I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving’, declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man: ’But he got $10’.
• ‘Yeah, that’s right’, exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!’
• That’s true!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!’
• ‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison, ‘We didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!’
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
(DAVID R. KAMERSCHEN is a Distinguished Professor of Economics and holder of the Jasper N. Dorsey Chair at the University of Georgia)

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:50 am

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander says.

In Macquarie Fields, NSW, a 4-flat housing trust property was destroyed by fire.
A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the right first floor flat. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.
Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They too died.
A white couple lived on the left first floor flat. The couple survived the fire.

Various multicultural agencies were furious! They flew into Sydney and met with the fire commander.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived.

The Fire Commander said, "They were at work."

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:53 am

Number of Words in Important Documents:

Pythagoras' Theorem: 24
Lord's Prayer: 66
Archimedes' Principle: 67
Ten Commandments: 179
Gettysburg Address: 286
US Declaration of Independence : 1,300
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818
EU Regulations on the Sale of Cabbages: 26,911


Impossibilities in the World:

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth you silly b****r.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 8:57 am

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: "how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
"I am Scottish and I am a golfer," said the old fellow "and that is why I am in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it."

"Well," said the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad died?"

The doctor was amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive. How old is he?"

"He is 100 years old," said the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin, and then we went to a topless beach in Glasgow for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor said, "that's great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about you Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandad is dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asked, "You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He is 118 years old.” said the old Scottish golfer. .

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today"

At this point the doctor was close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:00 am

Why Old Men Don’t Get Hired

Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: What is your greatest weakness?
Old Man: Honesty!
Human Resources Manager: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Old Man : I don't give a **** what you think.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:04 am

Dogs Welcome

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
'I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?'

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:
‘Sir: I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or steal pictures off the walls or use them as a colouring book. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

tub
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by tub » Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:12 pm

A Personal Problem

I walked into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was talking to said that she and her sister owned and ran the store, and hence there were no male employees.
She then asked if she could help me.
I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.
I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.’
When she returned, she said, ‘We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do . . .
. . . 1/3 ownership in the store,
. . . A company pickup truck,
. . . A king size bed, and
. . . $3,000 a month in living expenses.’

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:08 pm

This will likely be us. Something to look forward to boys.


A group of English chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before !!
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Wed Mar 04, 2015 6:33 pm

Last night my wife and her lady friend went to see the new movie "50
Shades of Grey".

I watched some TV and then went to bed around 11p.m.

I awakened from a light sleep to see my wife standing there with a
leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought "Mmm.
This looks interesting!"

Then she said to me "Here, you forgot to walk the dogs!

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LongGone
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by LongGone » Wed Mar 04, 2015 10:23 pm

An 85-year old man marries a stunning 25-year old women, and some of his friends are worried about him stressing out, as does his wife. On the wedding night she says, " I don't want to insult you, but it's been a long day and you might need a quiet night. How about I sleep in the spare room tonight?" He agrees, and she settles into bed. After ten minutes the door opens, he comes in and proceeds to make passionate love to her. Finally he leaves, and she falls asleep. Twenty minutes later he comes back and there is an encore performance. Thirty minutes later he is back again and everything is even more intense. When it is over she holds him and apologizes for being concerned about his age. "The first time was great, the second was amazing and the third was unforgettable!" He looks at her strangely: "I was here before?"
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg

sejintenej
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Sun Mar 29, 2015 8:15 pm

Getting Married

Just about all my life I belonged to the Reformed Lutheran Church, but when I married my wife I converted to her church. In order to do so, I had to attend classes. At the first session, the minister conducting the class said, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from God?"

I replied, perhaps too quickly... "Sin?"

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Nov 29, 2015 6:53 pm

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out !"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done !"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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