Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Nov 29, 2015 6:54 pm

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it. :shock:
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Nov 29, 2015 6:56 pm

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next cr@p could spell disaster.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Fri Jan 29, 2016 5:32 pm

A respectable elderly gentleman was stopped by traffic police as he was driving at 1:00 a.m.

"Routine question, Sir. Where are you going ?"
the policeman asked.

"I'm going to a lecture officer."
He replied.

"And what is this lecture about ?"

"The perils of gambling. loose women, alcohol and drugs." The elderly gentleman answered.

"A lecture at 1:00 a.m. in the morning ? Who's giving this lecture, Sir ?"

"My wife when I get home !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by William » Thu Mar 17, 2016 5:27 pm

Walter and Linda were a middle aged couple blessed with two beautiful daughters. Although they felt incredibly lucky for having their girls, Walter and Linda always yearned for a boy.

They began trying for another baby, and it wasn’t long before Linda became pregnant. Nine months later, they welcomed a baby boy into the world.

Walter was at work when his wife was rushed to hospital, so he got there as quickly as he could. To his horror, his son was absolutely hideous, especially when considering how beautiful his daughters were.

“How can I possibly be the father of that ugly baby?” he exclaimed to his wife. “It’s just not possible that I fathered him after we had those two beautiful girls.”

Linda blushed, which made him suspicious. “Have you been fooling around behind my back?” he asked.

“Not this time, dear.”
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, which said: "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied: "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this - somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying:
'Congratulations on your new location!'"

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Wed May 25, 2016 2:02 pm

An man calls a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

Dentist: It will cost £850.

man: £850!!! Too much! Don't you have anything cheaper?

Dentist: That's the normal charge sir.

man: What if you don't use any anesthetic?

Dentist: That's unusual but can be done and will cut the cost by £400.

man: Ok. And what if you deploy one of your trainee-dentists to do the extraction, without anesthetic?

Dentist: Well, I cannot guarantee professionalism and it would also be rather painful. But the price could drop down to £150.

man: Hmm. What if you make it like a training-session. So one of your students does the extraction, while the other students watch and learn?

Dentist: It'll be good for the students but quite traumatic for the patient. But in that case I can pay you £200 for it.

man: Now you're talking! Ok, it's a deal. Can I confirm an appointment for my mother-in-law for tomorrow then?
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by John Knight » Thu Jun 23, 2016 1:22 pm

A farmer named Sam was overseeing his livestock in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that
matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sun Jun 26, 2016 3:16 pm

Courtesy of a fellow forum poster.....

Aging gracefully:

1.I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!


2.I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.


3.Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...


4.I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!


5.When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation...


6.My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs working on.


7.If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.


8.The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”


9.I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.


10.Even duct tape can’t fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!


11.Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?


12.Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Thu Jun 30, 2016 4:12 pm

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Sun Jul 03, 2016 11:05 am

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington,DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’ The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’ The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?’ The biker replies

“I’m a U.S. Marine, and a Republican”.

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Wed Jul 06, 2016 5:19 pm

FACT

Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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