From the sublime to the ridiculous

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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sejintenej
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Thoughts of a few days

Post by sejintenej » Mon May 08, 2017 6:18 pm

Enjoy

when jokes were clean, many years ago. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin... ‘ - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’ - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement... - Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. - Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. - Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it... - W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... - Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

sejintenej
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A thought for our EU neighbours

Post by sejintenej » Tue May 09, 2017 7:48 pm

Here is another interesting perspective. Let’s say I break into your home ... What a great comparison!

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!

It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV. Her point:

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let’s say I break into your home. Let’s say that when you discover me in your home, you insist that I leave. But I say, ‘No! I like it here. It’s better than my home.

I’ve made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I’ve done all the things you don’t like to do. I’m hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your home).

According to the protesters:

You are Required to let me stay in your home!
You are Required to feed me!
You are Required to add me to your family’s insurance plan!
You are Required to educate my kids!
You are Required to provide other benefits to me and to my family!

My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there. It’s only fair, after all, because you have a nicer home than I do, and I’m just trying to better myself. I’m a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your home.

And what a deal it is for me!

I live in your home, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted.

Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE! So that you can communicate with me.

Why can’t people see how ridiculous this is? America is populated and governed by idiots!
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by LongGone » Tue May 09, 2017 9:35 pm

Well that's better than:

I break into your home
Kill most of your family
Take over the house but promise you can have the garden shed
Decide I like the shed and force you into a leaky barrel

Which pretty much describes how the current population of the USA treated the original inhabitants.
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg

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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by J.R. » Wed May 10, 2017 5:31 pm

... and remember that in the State of Texas, it is perfgectly legal for you to shoot and kill anybody that breraks into your home.

Probably why that State still regularly uses the death-sentence.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.

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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej » Fri May 12, 2017 8:27 pm

Marriage Humor Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing. Wife: ‘Nothing... ?
You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’


Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’


Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’


Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej » Mon May 15, 2017 10:10 pm

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Bill’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall ... Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

There’s a company that sells pussy juice and other women’s intimate bodily fluids to perverted men.

It’s called ... Victoria’s Secretions.

A Chinese Redneck is a Rice Cracker...

A Pole was getting married. On his wedding night, his father gave him a pistol and said, “If your bride is a virgin, shoot in the air. If she isn’t, then shoot her”.

On the second night, he shot her.
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Re:Beware a good diet

Post by sejintenej » Wed May 17, 2017 9:57 pm

Brian and Jan were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Jan’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

Brian asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing, ‘ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

Brian looked out the window and right there he saw a champion-ship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth...

‘What are the greens fees?, ‘ grumbled Brian... ‘This is heaven, ‘ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. ‘Don’t even ask, ‘ said St. Peter to Brian. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

Brian looked around and nervously asked Jan’Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?’

‘That’s the best part, ‘ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

‘No gym to work out at?’ said Brian

‘Not unless you want to, ‘ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or... ‘

‘Never again’

Brian glared at Jan and said, ‘You and your F****kin Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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A classic Physics exam question.

Post by sejintenej » Tue May 30, 2017 8:57 pm

The real question; should this be at O or A level or even at Uni.?

Hell Explained

This genius is probably building something in his garage that will change the world as we know it. Read on.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. (?)

The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ‘ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’ ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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A few Interesting thoughts;

Post by sejintenej » Thu Jun 01, 2017 4:38 pm

Signs on storefronts’

No senior citizen discounts! You had twice as long to get the money.

No we do not have WiFi, talk to each other!

Push if that doesn’t work, pull if that doesn’t work, we must be closed.

Teach your kids about taxes eat 30% of their ice cream.

Today’s offer by any two drinks and pay for them both...

Alcohol may not solve your problems but neither will water or milk.

Respect your parents they passed school without Google.

Growing old is hard work ... the mind says yes, the body says what the hell are you thinking?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it when I was young I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

You know you’re getting old you can’t walk past the bathroom without thinking, I may as well pee while I am here.

Remember when you could refer to your knees is right and left? Instead of good and bad. Good times ha ha!


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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

“I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said,

“No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”

The blonde said,

“No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”


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Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?
Because they have such large fingers.

The doctor said, “The test results are back. You’re very overweight”.
The man said, “That runs in my family”.
The doctor replied, “NOTHING runs in your family”.

A blonde goes into a pizzeria and orders a family-sized pizza.
The pizza guy asks, “Do you want it cut into 6 pieces or 8?”
She replies, “6 pieces, I’m sure I couldn’t finish 8.”

What day most annoys senile people?
Memorial Day.

Several unmarried women were discussing “Where are all the handsome, caring, sensitive men?”
The conclusion? They all have boyfriends.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for over 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

What do you get when you mix vodka into milk of magnesia?
A Phillips Screwdriver.

When asked how old he was, a 62 year old guy always said, “I’m in my early 30s ... second round”.


This one is compliments of J & B

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’ The husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead, ‘ she sobbed, ‘ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began -- ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued - ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said...

‘Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?




seeing that after 10 pages of this rubbish I haven't had a thumbs down (or even up) ............
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sejintenej
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Cool morals

Post by sejintenej » Tue Jun 13, 2017 8:51 pm

1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don’t get caught.
7. Everyone should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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Re: Cool morals

Post by LongGone » Wed Jun 14, 2017 12:33 am

sejintenej wrote:
Tue Jun 13, 2017 8:51 pm
1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.
6. Love your neighbor. But don’t get caught.
7. Everyone should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
Outside Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, there is a huge billboard for a local restaurant with a picture of a moose and the comment: 'There is a place for all of Gods's creatures: right next to the mashed potatoes '.
If a stone falls on an egg: alas for the egg
If an egg falls on a stone: alas for the egg

sejintenej
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A thought for Harley fans

Post by sejintenej » Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:49 pm

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.’

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson Motorcycle?

Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me... ‘

God commented: ‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?’

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but he finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the Inventor of woman?’

God said, ‘Ah, yes.’

‘Well, ‘ said Arthur, ‘professional to professional you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, ‘ replied God, ‘hold on a moment.’

God went to his Celestial supercomputer and typed in a few words. He waited for the results.

Eventually the computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

‘It may be true that my invention is flawed, ‘ God said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours’.
It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

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Why Teachers Go Grey

Post by sejintenej » Sun Jul 30, 2017 6:27 pm

These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Cesarean Section.”
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Dedicated to the lawyers, solicitors and barristers amongst us

Post by sejintenej » Tue Aug 08, 2017 2:50 pm

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!!!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by jhopgood » Thu Aug 24, 2017 8:39 pm

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set of tables, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said.
'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.
They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.”
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President!
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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