Corporate corner (incorporating management bollox-speak)

Great Plum · Post by **Great Plum** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:14 am

I have a note that came around headed:

T ogether

E veryone

A chieves

M ore

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:44 am

englishangel wrote:
sejintenej wrote:xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Office of the Executive Vice President
for Administrative & Fiscal Services
900 qqqqqqqqq Drive, Suite 330
Rzzzzzzzze, Mx 123456
4441-123456
xxxxxxxxxxxxx@yyyyyyyyyyyycollege.edu

For heavens sake, I've stayed with this person, my wife was at school with her ...................... I KNOW where she works (and has worked for the past umpteen years). I'm not so thick that I have to be reminded - and it is a personal email anyway. Can't the st*p*d c*w think?
It is called a signature and it's attached to all emails.

I thiink you all know I was at Hertford 65-72 but there it is every time I post.

My e-mail signature contains my business details, but I try to remember to remove it when e-mailing friends.

Perhaps I might write 'from the desk of' instead!

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:47 am

Great Plum wrote:I have a note that came around headed:

T ogether

E veryone

A chieves

M ore

Oh bl*ody hell!

Try replying

A nal

R etentive's

S ervice

E nded

Great Plum · Post by **Great Plum** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:57 am

Ha, very good!

Laura M · Post by **Laura M** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:11 am

'There's no I in Team!' (ah but there is an M and an E)

ben ashton · Post by **ben ashton** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:47 pm

and Tea. how English

hoob · Post by **hoob** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 6:30 pm

Richard Ruck wrote:
hoob wrote:and where exactly did "outwith" come from?

I hate that word.....
It's Scottish.

I have friends in Sussex who say "somewhen".

Quite sensible, really......

Its really a word? What, really? (like)

Oh - Inappropriate punctuation (like). i'm never quite sure about "Shoots Garden Centre"

hoob · Post by **hoob** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 6:30 pm

Someone at work uses "Downward growth"

jhopgood · Post by **jhopgood** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:17 pm

Used by someone who is about to ignore everything you have just said

"I hear what you say"

Post by **jtaylor** » Thu Mar 23, 2006 11:26 pm

Used by someone who is about to insult you...
"With respect....."

Used by someone who's about to bend the truth...
"In all honestly..." and "To tell the truth, ...."

marty · Post by **marty** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 9:45 am

How's this for puke-inducing rubbish. When I worked at Barclays our payslips turned up one day with the following words printed on them:

"Made possible by you, your colleagues and customers"

My pay packet was made possible by getting up early every morning, squeezing myself onto a crowded tube with thousands of smelly & sneezing commuters, arriving at a badly air-conditioned office, slogging my guts out for 7 hours a day in said office whilst enduring verbal abuse from customers before squeezing myself back onto another stinking tube train and returning home to some utility bills. What annoyed me the most was the thought that they ACTUALLY PAID someone to come up with that idea. It's official - we're now living in a common sense vacuum.

John Knight · Post by **John Knight** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 11:41 am

EARLY RETIREMENT PROGRAMME

Due to the economic situation, Management has decided to reduce the current work force and has devised a Reduction of Employees programme.

Under this plan, older employees will be placed in early retirement, permitting the retention of employees who represent the future of the company.

A programme to phase out the older personnel (over 40) by the end of the current financial year will be put into effect immediately. This programme will be known
as RAPE (Retirement, Aged Personnel, Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within the company provided that, while they
are RAPED, they request a review of their employment status before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the programme will be known as SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may apply for a final review.

This phase will be known as STUFFED (Study of Termination of Use for Further Education and Development).

Programme policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but can get STUFFED as many times as the Management sees fit.

cstegerlewis · Post by **cstegerlewis** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:58 pm

Well if we are going to criticise the great gods of management consulting (wasn't it great to see that arse Mani go from the Apprentice this week?), let's trot out the classic old (but updated) story I got BlackBerried this week (I can't believ I just wrote that when I am inthis thread!!):

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, and then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location that he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a Progress database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.

He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business.

"Now give me back my dog."

John Knight · Post by **John Knight** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:40 pm

(Click on image for a larger version)

graham · Post by **graham** » Fri Mar 24, 2006 6:14 pm

Laura M wrote:'There's no I in Team!' (ah but there is an M and an E)

When you assume you make an ass out of u and me

D'oh!