From the sublime to the ridiculous

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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sejintenej
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej »

Deleted by author because message somehow got posted twice
Last edited by sejintenej on Sun Sep 20, 2020 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej »

Foureyes wrote: Sun Sep 20, 2020 3:52 am I am sure that sentinenej thinks that he is very amusing, but having been in the Army for 32 years the vast majority of those remarks just do not ring true. For a start the heading is 'military;' which implies Army, so all those referring to ships, submarines, flying, etc can be disregarded. Secondly, in the Army the subject has to sit in front of his Commanding Officer and read the report, and many of those comments are so rude and offensive that I doubt any CO would have the nerve to face his subject. Thirdly, on behalf of all those Army officers who have served their country loyally for many years, a fair number of whom have either given their lives or suffered various physical and mental wounds, I would like to thank Mr Brown for his unstinted support and hope, for his sake, that none of his superior's reports on him are ever made public.
David
Just realised what you are writing about.

Heavens. It took you long enough to wake up to that - July22nd and you answer now! Nothing to do? I have made the point on several occasions that quite a lot of what I put here comes from third party sources. I edit only where text is too offensive.
As for the final words, they did ask me to stay and help teach the next group - I was already committed to another job

I DO keep a 7 page list of a few that I don't normally post and certainly not to friends here. As a relatively polite example
I wish I had a lower IQ; maybe then I could enjoy your company
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Foureyes
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by Foureyes »

If you choose to re-post something from a third party then you are taking responsibility for it.
DM
sejintenej
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej »

Foureyes wrote: Sun Sep 20, 2020 5:00 pm If you choose to re-post something from a third party then you are taking responsibility for it.
DM
and ??????????????????
I specifically stated that I reserve the right to edit but I still feel responsible for ensuring that the author's intentions remain unchanged.

In any case with your in depth knowledge of journalism, if something is banned in the UK then UK papers quote what is being written abroad which is, in my view, a way of getting round the ban without taking responsibility for what is written. What makes me any different?

An interesting quirk about your post. When I log in to the forum I immediately get a list of new posts since I last logged in EXCEPT that your posts like this are not shown. Sixth sense told me that there would be something here so I looked down the list of thread areas and the latest posts there and that didn't ignore you.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
loringa
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by loringa »

dsm wrote: Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:26 am This is a joke section, David, tongue in cheek and all that. Don't take it to heart.
Indeed. When I was at Dartmouth I remember being given a list of quotes very similar to the ones that David Brown published on here. We were told that they had all actually appeared at one time or another in Officers' reports (Form S206 in the Royal Navy of those days; a bad one was known sometimes as an S103) though I have always doubted that.

My personal favourite: 'This officer is destined to go through life pulling on doors marked push'. As I frequently find myself doing just that it always makes me smile, sometimes to the amusement of my (much) younger colleagues watching the silly old duffer mumbling to himself as he fails to navigate a door properly.

David (Army) is obviously offended by the stereotypes portrayed but as Servicemen (and women) we should always be able to laugh at ourselves. I have only ever met a slack handful of truly stereotypical officers in my 35-plus year career and even most of them were only putting on an act. My current 1-Up boss, an RAF Regiment Air Commodore, has the brain the size of a planet; my 2-Up, An Air Marshal, an even bigger one. We know that by and large we are not fools so it doesn't matter in the slightest if people, in particular, our own people but also wider 'Civ Pop' choose to make gentle jokes at our expense.

As Dr Johnstone so memorably said: All men think meanly of themselves for not having been a soldier or never having gone to sea (or something very like that). I, like David (Army), am proud of my military service (military as opposed to civilian, not military as opposed to naval) but I don't mind being the butt of someone's humour, ideally gentle humour. At the end of the day, one doesn't last very long on the battlefield or at sea if one is an idiot.
sejintenej
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej »

loringa wrote: Mon Sep 21, 2020 9:47 am
dsm wrote: Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:26 am This is a joke section, David, tongue in cheek and all that. Don't take it to heart.
Indeed. When I was at Dartmouth I remember being given a list of quotes very similar to the ones that David Brown published on here. We were told that they had all actually appeared at one time or another in Officers' reports (Form S206 in the Royal Navy of those days; a bad one was known sometimes as an S103) though I have always doubted that.

My personal favourite: 'This officer is destined to go through life pulling on doors marked push'. As I frequently find myself doing just that it always makes me smile, sometimes to the amusement of my (much) younger colleagues watching the silly old duffer mumbling to himself as he fails to navigate a door properly.

My current 1-Up boss, an RAF Regiment Air Commodore, has the brain the size of a planet; my 2-Up, An Air Marshal, an even bigger one. We know that by and large we are not fools so it doesn't matter in the slightest if people, in particular, our own people but also wider 'Civ Pop' choose to make gentle jokes at our expense.
Thanks for that David (Loring). Just as I already knew and appreciated

After I was orphaned whilst at CH I was looked after by an ex War Office Lieutenant who was captured on the 5th day of WWI..WWII he was asked to do a job which is still Official Secrets Act but which involved the sea and Germany. After that he was a diplomat in Budapest (yes - whilst the UK was at war with Germany,) then an SOE instructor and ended up as a Lt Commander RNVR commanding an MGB based (I think) at Dover. He was a polymath and even in his seventies he would take up most challenges and expected me to do the same It was an exceptionally naval household and that discipline was impressed on me My sole direct involvement with the services was in helping teach RAF pilots winter survival; taken very seriously What pisses me off was the CH headmaster prohibiting my taking up an offered posting aboard the naval training vessel Georg Stage arranged by "the Boss"
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
dsm
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by dsm »

My favourite is about the border between Gibraltar and mainland Spain in the 70s. Don’t know if it’s an urban legend but it was said that the memos and messages between the two countries sent by the Admiralty were always signed by a certain C. O. Jones which in Spanish means bollocks.
sejintenej
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Two Truths and 5 Rules of Life:

Post by sejintenej »

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex. However, after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats.” But, none of them comes up to the man- touch his p***s and say, “Good Job”

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1.Money cannot buy happiness - but it’s far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2.Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole’s name.

3.If you help someone when they’re in trouble - they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4.Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5.Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

I think all Politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors!

Also, all Politicians should serve only two terms, one term in office and one term in jail.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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something we can agree on

Post by sejintenej »

The vaccine should be tested on politicians first.
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don’t, the country is safe.


and a few more ideas from the States

The Supreme Court is now Ruthless.


Why are politicians rarely circumcised?
These days in order to be a politician you have to be a complete dick.
The same thing can be said for most bosses.

✧ ✧ ✧

It’s hard to make a comeback When you haven’t been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

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Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

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If voting could really change things, It would be illegal. Revolution Books New York, New York.

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If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC

✧ ✧ ✧

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

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You’re too good for him...
Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

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No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

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~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You’re going to have trouble with it.
Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX 0A

✧ ✧ ✧

HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.


...

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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What you must NOT say when interviewed

Post by sejintenej »

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - “This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.”

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

5. US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said?”

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on ‘Time Team Live’ said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.”

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on ‘Look North’ said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on ‘Sky Sports’: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there. They’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do himself.”
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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some thoughts needing thought - definitely ouch!

Post by sejintenej »

Puns For the Slightly Higher IQ!

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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but it's not covid enjoy!

Post by sejintenej »

SICK by Shel Silverstein 1930-1999

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more—that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut—my eyes are blue—
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke—
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is—what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is. . .Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
sejintenej
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Raprosdokians; You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

Post by sejintenej »

Raprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of an emergency, notify...” I answered “a doctor.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Foureyes
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by Foureyes »

Ahem! Did you mean paraprosdokians?
David :shock:
PS Shows I read it!
sejintenej
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Re: From the sublime to the ridiculous

Post by sejintenej »

Foureyes wrote: Sun Dec 20, 2020 3:10 pm Ahem! Did you mean paraprosdokians?
David :shock:
PS Shows I read it!
Shows someone swallowed the phtontistery! Actually my source is American (I think)
Hope you found something to enjoy (and have a safe Christmas)
Monday is one helluva way to spend one-seventh of your life.
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