Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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kerrensimmonds
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Fri Aug 05, 2011 6:56 pm

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40:
Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag, daily, thereafter.....
Kerren Simmonds
5's and 2's Hertford, 1957-1966

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Wed Aug 24, 2011 1:48 pm

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
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5's and 2's Hertford, 1957-1966

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Why She Just Doesn't Understand Me

Post by John Knight » Fri Sep 02, 2011 7:54 am

Removed... Obviously not funny enough and I don't want to waste space....
Last edited by John Knight on Sat Sep 03, 2011 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by anniexf » Sat Sep 03, 2011 11:34 am

?

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. » Sat Sep 03, 2011 1:04 pm

I'm not going to comment, Ann !
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by loringa » Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:55 am

THE MUM TEST

(probably posted before but I thought it was funny - sent to me by my wife obviously)!

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, And probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mum.

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS » Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:37 pm

Putrid Puns ---
She was only a whiskey maker --- but he loved her still

No matter how you push the envelope -- it will still be stationery

Two silk worms had a race --- they ended up in a tie

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

I though I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island ------ it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Kim2s70-77 » Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:07 pm

Oldies , but goldies, Neill!

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:13 pm

Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today?














bl**dy everyone :lol:
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5's and 2's Hertford, 1957-1966

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:56 am

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune, I am going to buy Citibank."

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy Ford Motors."

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince, and I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

The Jew slowly stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly in the saucer, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them all and casually said, "Sorry, I'm not selling!!!"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds » Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:04 pm

An elderly couple had just gone to bed. The old guy realised that his wife seemed a little down so he asked her what was the matter.
She replied: "Do you remember how you used to hold my hand when we went to bed?" so he took her hand.
He heard her sigh again. "What's the matter now?"
"You used to kiss my cheek before we went to sleep". The old man obliged but as he was settling he heard her tutting. "Now what?"
"Remember how you would nibble my ear and neck"
Sighing heavily, the old man started to get out of bed. "Where are you going?" his wife asked.

His reply ,"To get my teeth"

>

>
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS » Fri Oct 07, 2011 4:43 pm

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The Instructor was telling the women, how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their Partners, at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you, walking is especially beneficial, it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make Delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room --- "And Gentlemen, remember -- you are in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her "

Th room suddenly got vry quiet at the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back slowly raised his hand.

"Yes ? " answered the Instructor.

I was just wondering ----- is it all right if she carries a Golf Bag, while we walk ?

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Mon Oct 31, 2011 8:12 am

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood » Mon Oct 31, 2011 8:15 am

PROBABLE REPEAT PUNS BUT....

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)

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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej » Sat Nov 05, 2011 7:22 pm

It's been a terrible decade with the deaths of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Adam Faith and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no hope, no cash, no faith and no jobs.

(based on something in the Daily Mail)

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