Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My tyre was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tyre..
I noticed your cat.
Sorry !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking ?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day !
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go..
Would you like to take this knife out of my back ?
You'll probably need it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad !
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia, and parts of Norfolk, England.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Life-like!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was ?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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jhopgood
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Post by jhopgood »

How "they" do it when it comes to SEX:
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
Ambulance driver comes quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Zoologists do it with animals
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Post by jhopgood »

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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jhopgood
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Post by jhopgood »

One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
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Post by jhopgood »

The Twelve Days of Christmas

****** NEWS FROM THE NORTH POLE ******
(or - The Trend Toward Corporate Downsizing:)

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other resructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at Sloan Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

..anon
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Post by jhopgood »

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

Surgeons do it in rubber gloves
Midwives do it with two fingers.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Post by sejintenej »

jhopgood wrote:One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
before asking where is the any key
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Post by sejintenej »

jhopgood wrote:One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?"

I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark."

I replied, "You mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
before asking "where is any key?"
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

As its Sunday as I post, apologies if this offends..................

_____________________

Frank had died and, naturally, wound up in Hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that Hell was now a "kinder and gentler" place.

Each person was offered three choices of torture. The devil explained that these tortures ran in a thousand year cycle and you could pick which cycle to begin with.

Frank went with the Devil down the hall where Jon was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. Frank told the Devil he'd "pass" on that one. On down the hall to where Brian was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Frank shook his head over this one, too.

Finally, there was Joseph, strapped to the wall, naked as a jaybird. A very gorgeous woman was performing oral s*x upon him. Frank said, "Yes, yes, this is where I want to start."

The Devil said, "You sure ? This lasts for a thousand years, you know."

"Yes, I'm sure. This is the place."

"Ok," said the Devil. He walked to the beautiful blonde, tapped her on the shoulder and said,.......................


"Your replacement's here !!"
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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J.R.
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Post by J.R. »

MEDICAL CHECK-UP.

___________________________

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills ?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep !"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that, But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter Drinks.................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night".


You gotta love Grandmas
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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Post by UserRemovedAccount »

englishangel wrote:Midwives do it with two fingers.
On behalf of all male readers - explain, please :shock:
....or, on second thoughts, perhaps not :oops:
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Post by englishangel »

petard249 wrote:
englishangel wrote:Midwives do it with two fingers.
On behalf of all male readers - explain, please :shock:
....or, on second thoughts, perhaps not :oops:
OK then I won't
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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englishangel
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Post by englishangel »

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN UNIVERSITY TOO LONG WHEN...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You actually like doing laundry at home where the washing machines work.
Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
You'd rather clean than study especially if an essay is due.
"Oh sh1t how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
Parents' cooking becomes something you desire, not avoid.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas especially Neighbours and Hollyoaks.
You know the pizza boy by name and don't even need to read the menu.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting mail.
Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
Prank phone calls become funny again.
You start thinking and sounding like your friends and your accent becomes a hybrid of West Country, Surrey and general Northern.
Highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favourite pastime.
Rubbish cheap £1 shops are so cool.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Monday.


BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
No matter how 'cool' you were in school, no one here cares.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you got good A-levels, so what? It doesn't matter here.
That I would go to a party the night before an exam or essay due-date.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything found out about my friends.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of lectures.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together but that's still funny......!
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology, that Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Maths.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.


TOP 10 REASONS THAT UNIVERSITY IS LIKE PRIMARY SCHOOL
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You cross the street without looking for cars.
Snack time is a necessity.
You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like (because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
You stay at home and play games with your friends.
You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
You wear big mittens.
Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
You take naps.
You look forward to cheese toasties.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
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Post by sejintenej »

englishangel wrote:

BEFORE I CAME TO UNIVERSITY, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That it didn't matter how late my first lecture was, I'd still sleep through it.
You aren't joking I suppose.

At Uni my elder son did some research for a huge American firm which has offices worldwide. Whilst still at Uni he was asked to go to LA with the UK group CEO to present a paper at a scientific conference. Later he told me that that night after his presentation he went down to the beach to see the sun rise over the sea because "it had to be done" (I bet he was playing guitar as well). Consequently he found it a bit difficult to stay awake the next morning despite the fact that the UK CEO was with him.
After his funeral his UK boss told me the other side of the story (he didn't know about the beach part). He reckoned that Rob had the sense and ability to sleep through what turned out to be a totally boring lecture which was a waste of time! It certainly didn't hurt Rob's relationship with the Warren Buffet group.

It's not only undergraduates who sleep through the first lecture of the day ..........
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