Jokes, please.....

[midget]

No more "thick Mick"!

Maggie

[Katharine]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a Couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said,













"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[J.R.]

Would you remarry ?

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.


WIFE: "What would you do if I died ? Would you get married again ?

HUSBAND: "Definitely not !"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married ?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry ?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would ?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed ?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car ?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers ?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry ?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you ?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs ?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --



HUSBAND: "Sh!t !!!"

[Rory]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then
visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently
once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious
about the shuddering.


A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before
she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, "I
couldn't help but notice" he said, "that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you," she replied. "I have a very rare
medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

"I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

The woman nodded, " Pepper."

[kayinbaja]

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates

st peter opens them and says 'oh it's you luciano, come on in. squeeze
through'.

pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'

st peter opens it up and reads it.


'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'

[J.R.]

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices ?"

He hadn't -- and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs ?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then ? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries ?" cried the wife.


"Yes ...." he replied.



SCROLL DOWN







OOOOH -- You're gonna dislike me for this -- but it will make your day!!!
And I bet you forward it.









She sells C cells by the seashore.

[midget]

How COULD you?

[englishangel]

A clean and VERY FUNNY joke from JR.

[J.R.]

.. a little bit more risque !
______

Mr Honda of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him".

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well", said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major flaws in your design:
1 There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2 It chatters constantly at high speed
3 Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble
4 The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5 The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs".

"Hmmm", replied God, "You do raise some good points. Lets have alook".

God went to his Celestial computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results.

After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

[J.R.]

The Nudist Beach !

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach in Tampa .

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he's getting !!'

[marty]

Anita Roddick....is now available at The Body Shop.

[Richard Ruck]

Anita Roddick....is now available at The Body Shop.

Sick, but

[J.R.]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Mum." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune,for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love


Your son, John.

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you ! Call when it is safe for me to come home."

[cj]

Puts things into perspective rather! I love it.

[J.R.]

LAUGHS FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

(For everyone who has ever had an evaluation, just remember ... it could have been worse !) These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady had delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus ... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a distributor."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him two hours to watch '60 Minutes.'"

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."