Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

Moderator: Moderators

User avatar
Ajarn Philip
Button Grecian
Posts: 1850
Joined: Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:30 pm
Real Name: Phil Underwood
Location: UK, Robin Hood country
Has thanked: 22 times
Been thanked: 22 times

Post by Ajarn Philip »

Ireland's worst ever plane disaster occurred today, when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish rescue workers have so far recovered 328 bodies.

Digging continues.
Phil Underwood Ma A Col A Mid B 69-75
User avatar
jhopgood
Button Grecian
Posts: 1821
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
Real Name: John Hopgood
Location: Valencia
Has thanked: 15 times
Been thanked: 11 times

Post by jhopgood »

Ajarn Philip wrote:Ireland's worst ever plane disaster occurred today, when a 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish rescue workers have so far recovered 328 bodies.

Digging continues.
Not a joke but this reminds me of a Hash I was on just outside Madrid. The hare had decided that to make it more interesting he would turn it in to a type of treasure hunt so that as we ran, there would be various checks, where we would be required to answer questions. We were given clip boards and ball point pens to write the answers, and because were were running and likely to sweat, he put a clear plastic cover over the paper.
One of the questions was similar to the joke above, but the question was, where did they bury the survivors?
When we got back, one of the first back was a retired RSM from the PT Corp.
When asked why he had answered none of the questions, he replied that he couldn't get the pen to write on the plastic!
He was then shown how to raise the plastic so that he could write on the paper.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
User avatar
englishangel
Forum Moderator
Posts: 6956
Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 2 times

Post by englishangel »

I may have posted this before but here goes:

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3 The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. You're not as nice as you used to be and you used to be a real witch
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
User avatar
Ajarn Philip
Button Grecian
Posts: 1850
Joined: Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:30 pm
Real Name: Phil Underwood
Location: UK, Robin Hood country
Has thanked: 22 times
Been thanked: 22 times

Post by Ajarn Philip »

10 [a] Not knowing if you've posted something already...

Damn, why isn't there a 'duck - incoming' emoticon when you need one!
Phil Underwood Ma A Col A Mid B 69-75
User avatar
englishangel
Forum Moderator
Posts: 6956
Joined: Mon Feb 07, 2005 12:22 pm
Real Name: Mary Faulkner (Vincett)
Location: Amersham, Buckinghamshire
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 2 times

Post by englishangel »

Ajarn Philip wrote:10 [a] Not knowing if you've posted something already...

Damn, why isn't there a 'duck - incoming' emoticon when you need one!
Image
"If a man speaks, and there isn't a woman to hear him, is he still wrong?"
Katharine
Button Grecian
Posts: 3178
Joined: Mon Dec 26, 2005 10:44 pm
Real Name: Katharine Dobson
Location: Gwynedd
Has thanked: 103 times
Been thanked: 67 times

Catholic Petrol

Post by Katharine »

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting housebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a filling station was just around the corner. She walked there to borrow a petrol can and buy some fuel. The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had already been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was emptying it into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Katharine Dobson (Hills) 6.14, 1959 - 1965
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia!
User avatar
Mid A 15
Button Grecian
Posts: 3133
Joined: Thu May 19, 2005 1:38 pm
Real Name: Claude Rains
Location: The Patio Of England (Kent)
Has thanked: 129 times
Been thanked: 98 times

POLITICALLY INCORRECT WARNING!!

Post by Mid A 15 »

Question: Are there too many immigrants in the UK ?

Answer:

25%: Yes

5%: No

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن ..
Ma A, Mid A 65 -72
User avatar
jhopgood
Button Grecian
Posts: 1821
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
Real Name: John Hopgood
Location: Valencia
Has thanked: 15 times
Been thanked: 11 times

Post by jhopgood »

Subject: Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one!
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
User avatar
J.R.
Forum Moderator
Posts: 15803
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
Real Name: John Rutley
Location: Dorking, Surrey
Has thanked: 413 times
Been thanked: 194 times

Post by J.R. »

I think our mates in the States will love that one John !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
midget
Button Grecian
Posts: 3186
Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2005 3:49 pm
Real Name: Margaret O`Riordan
Location: Barnstaple Devon
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Re: POLITICALLY INCORRECT WARNING!!

Post by midget »

Mid A 15 wrote:Question: Are there too many immigrants in the UK ?

Answer:

25%: Yes

5%: No

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن ..
Translation please?
Thou shalt not sit with statisticians nor commit a social science.
User avatar
J.R.
Forum Moderator
Posts: 15803
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
Real Name: John Rutley
Location: Dorking, Surrey
Has thanked: 413 times
Been thanked: 194 times

Post by J.R. »

"No - We are quite happy here, thank you very much !" Seems likely.

Then again, I don't read from right to left !
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
User avatar
Mark1
GE (Great Erasmus)
Posts: 100
Joined: Mon Jun 20, 2005 11:27 am
Real Name: Mark
Location: Carolina
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0
Contact:

Post by Mark1 »

your comment seems appropriate JR, but to answer Mary's question it looks like it's not entirely relevant to the question: 'Centre for National Security in Washington' I think.
Although I guess it a bit ironic...
User avatar
jhopgood
Button Grecian
Posts: 1821
Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
Real Name: John Hopgood
Location: Valencia
Has thanked: 15 times
Been thanked: 11 times

Post by jhopgood »

Not very P***y

Reminds me of Tommy Cooper

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Barnes B 25 (59 - 66)
User avatar
Mrs C.
Button Grecian
Posts: 2300
Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2005 2:22 pm
Real Name: Janet Chandler
Location: C.H.
Has thanked: 0
Been thanked: 0

Post by Mrs C. »

One some of you may have seen in the paper

A child was asked about his Christmas drawing of Mary, Jesus and a rather large rotund red fellow.

"Well thats the mother" he said, pointing , " that`s the child ...and that`s Round John Virgin"
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
michael scuffil
Button Grecian
Posts: 1612
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:53 pm
Real Name: michael scuffil
Location: germany
Has thanked: 18 times
Been thanked: 67 times

Post by michael scuffil »

(I haven't ploughed through the whole of this thread, so apologies if it's here already.)


Descartes is sitting in a café. "Will you have cream in your coffee, Monsieur?" asks the waiter.
"Er.. I think not," replies Descartes. and vanishes.
Post Reply