Jokes, please.....

[englishangel]

My husband said that this morning.

[CHAZ]

My husband said that this morning.

We did not confer and it's not in the press so I guess great minds think alike?

[J.R.]

A variation on an old joke..............

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Who-ever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago' ?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream ' ?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said, 'Ask not, what your country can do for you' ?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny mumbles, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut !"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT ?"




Johnny: "TIGER WOODS !!

[J.R.]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable ?''

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big..................

She'll read it very slowly....



'com-for-da-bul.'

[J.R.]

The Scottish Christmas Fairy !

I am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job ah fancy
Well how would you like tae be me.

Aw tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to make ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' your frock.

An' these wee lights aw roon me
I canny get tae sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa - Big fat creep !

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
While you're aw wirin' in
An' naebody says "Hey you up there
Could you go a slug o' gin ?

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
An' lift their rotten teeth.

But o' aw the joabs a fairy gets
An' I've mentioned only some
The very worst is sitting up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yir bum !

When aw the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
They're the wans that canna sit doon.

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me I'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in my knickers !

So soon as Christmas time's aw by
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' I'll see yous aw next year.

[jhopgood]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say 'What cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on, man, I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'

'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,

--- and then you show up and drink the damn poison!'

[J.R.]

... and so he was named !


The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ !" he exclaimed.



"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph.........



"It's better than Derek !!"

[jhopgood]

Preview for the World Cup

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're rubbish and we just can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says"Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself - you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers. "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."

They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down ... I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[sejintenej]

We have all seen the statements in job adverts that the employer does not discriminate in respect of colour, race, religion etc. Ignoring such norms, one major American oil giant came up with a novel twist in a
job advert in the London Evening Standard:

******* welcomes sex with all suitably disabled people regardless of size of bank balance.

[John Knight]

A couple of older fellows were playing golf when a funeral procession started to drive by. One of the fellow took off his hat and held it over his heart as the hearse drove by. The other fellow noticed and says,"That was very courteous of you to do that." His playing companion replied, "It's the least I could do, we were married for 45 years."

[kerrensimmonds]

Police Complaint - just brilliant!
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
I remain your obedient servant
???????
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr ??????,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ***** that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
?????????
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

[sejintenej]

Just been to a fashion show ands asked why the catwalk was at an angle.

Oh, that's the Calv inCline



(I'll get my coat)

[jhopgood]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied

''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid?

Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'' .

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I've just received a load of "Call Centre " jokes ---

"I've been ringing 0800 2100, for two days and I can't get through to enquiries --- can you help ? "
"Where did you get the number Sir ?"
"It was on the door of the Travel Centre "
"Sir, they are our opening hours ! "

RAC Motoring Services :
"Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when driving in Australia ?"
"Doesn't the product name give you a clue ?"

"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side ?"

"Can you give me the number of a knitwear company in Woven ?"
"Woven ? are you sure ?"
Yes, that's what it says on the label ------Woven in Scotland ! "

[Jo]

This reminded me of a true story (no, honestly ) told to us by a friend of ours who used to be a telephone operator way back in the 60s when local exchanges were all known by names rather than numbers. An Irish chap rang and asked to be put through to a number in what sounded like Tattygullairy. It wasn't anywhere our friend had ever heard of and there followed some moments of confusion while he tried to ascertain exactly where this place was and how it was spelt.

It turned out to be...........


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