Jokes, please.....

[John Knight]

Yesterday I was at my local store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog
and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped
off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

The store won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[Fjgrogan]

You would get on well with my father aged 85! Sadly his jokes are beginning to become less inventive and more repetitive.

[John Knight]

Lottery Winner

Husband to wife "What would you do if I told you I won the lottery"

Wife " I'd take my share and leave"

Husband " That's Ok with me!

I won £20 last night, here's £10 now P*** off.

[kerrensimmonds]

Elderly farmer - marbles still in place (apologies if this has been on here before....)

Farmer has a large patch of land, including a deep pond. As he approaches retirement, he decides to convert the pond into a leisure area, with seating, tables, etc. It is near his orchard.

One day he takes a bucket to go to the orchard to pick up windfalls. He hears noises of people enjoying themselves in his pond, and he sees a number of naked young ladies having fun. They shout at him to go away.

He replies that he has no interest in watching them disport themselves naked in his pond, or even to come out of his pond naked. He lifts the bucket and says....





'I've just come to feed the alligator'

[englishangel]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.



When you get home, lock your doors,


Draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.


Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.


Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.


You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personallytested and then sanitized."



Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'



HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!


...Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...


Then you are just an old sour fart;


Maybe you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson

[kerrensimmonds]

On the same theme, have we had the one about the stick deodorant?

I bought a deodorant and followed the instructions. "Remove cap and push up bottom". I can't walk, but when I f*rt it smells lovely.

[midget]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'


One Irish passenger yelled, “be jezis you should see the back of mine! “

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

In a similar vein-- Captain Van der Merve on a South African Airways flight, welcomed the passengers --- and then forgot to switch off the intercom.

He turned to his co- pilot and said "Jeez man -- what I could do with now, is a cold beer -- and a fat assed woman !"

The senior Stewardess -- horrified -- rushed up the 'p;ane to tell him to swithch off ---

A liitle man stuck his foot out to trip her and remarked "Hey Miss -- you forgot the Beer !"

[J.R.]

This is supposed to be TRUE !

........... back inthe early 1950's, an English passenger plane landed at Berlin and was given taxi-ing instruction, which the pilot misunderstood and took the wrong taxi-path.

The strict air-traffic controller screamed at the pilot. "NEIN - NEIN !! VOT ARE YOY DOING ??? HAF YOU NEVER FLOWN TO BERLIN BEFORE ??"

There was a pause, before a polite pilot replied........

"Many many times, but not to land - Only to fly over !"

[midget]

I must certainly give this due consideration
The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand
Join the new free care plan today. If you are 65 years or older, you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without..
As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison.
There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need!
New teeth needed? No problem.
New glasses? They'll be provided.
New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart?* They're all covered too.
And who will pay for all of this? The same government that told you they cannot afford your current health care.
And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore.
Britain. A GREAT country or what?


By the way the EU have given prisoners the vote, so they can vote in this wonderful government again !!!!









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[barwen]

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker ?
You can get your kids back easier from a Rottweiler

[J.R.]

(Not very PC... apologies to any Yorkshirefolk, but it is quite funny !)


Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

***
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog ?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat ?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft boogger !"

***
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin."

He explodes - "Good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out !"

The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

***

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell @rse cream ?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto ?"

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A blind lady made several trips on an American Airline,with her Guide Dog and was well-known to the Captain and Passengers.
On one flight the plane was forced to land, because the destination was fog-bound.
The Captain announced that passengers could leave the plane and take a little while to stretch their legs over in the Terminal.
The Captain asked the Lady if she wanted to leave the plane -- but she declined, and said that her Guide Dog would like a "little walk."

The Captain obliged

People in the Terminal were disturbed to see the Captain leaving the plane accompanied by a Guide Dog and wearing dark glasses !!

[CHAZ]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
Married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
To amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes..
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
Found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong..

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
Wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he
started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner,Batman?"

[J.R.]

This will work.



Here is a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this cr@p about racial profiling…………!