Jokes, please.....

[jhopgood]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

[Mid A 15]

DIVORCE versus MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

ANGARAMS -------

DORMITORY ---- Diety room

PRESBYTERIAN ---Best in prayer

ASTRONOMER ---Moon starer

DESPERATION-----a rope ends it !

THE EYES ----- They see

THE MORSE CODE ----Here come dots

SLOT MACHINES -----Cash lost in me

ANIMOSITY ------is no amity

And my all-time favourite ------

ELECTION RESULT ------Lies-let's recount !

[ailurophile]

ANAGRAMS

My own all-time favourite is rather dated now, but I still remember being reduced to tears of helpless laughter when I heard Stephen Fry point out that the name of the then Conservative MP Virginia Bottomley could be rearranged to spell 'I'm an evil Tory bigot'!!

[Mid A 15]

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 11MPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.


Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

ANAGRAMS

My own all-time favourite is rather dated now, but I still remember being reduced to tears of helpless laughter when I heard Stephen Fry point out that the name of the then Conservative MP Virginia Bottomley could be rearranged to spell 'I'm an evil Tory bigot'!!

Yes ! but please --- "ANGARAMS" in the best Manchester GRUDIAN tradition !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A lady goes into a Bar, and orders a double whisky, with two drops of water -- It's my Birthday ! -- I'm 88 !

She is surrounded by well-wishers, in the Bar, and over the evening is treated to innumerable double whiskys, each with two drops of water.

Eventually the Barman asks "Why do you always ask for two drops of water ? "


"At my age, I can handle the whisky --------"




OLD is when ------
"Getting lucky" means you can find your car in the parking lot !

[anniexf]

Hardly going to win any "Tasteful Joke Of The Year" awards but still:
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson?
Clarkson can still do "Top Gear."

Quite right Alan - Tasteless, crass, unnecessary. Remove, please?

[J.R.]

I am happy enough to remove if enough people want me too. I know I have a pretty warped sense of humour at time, but even I found this one a little too strong.

MARY : What do you think ?

[Kim2s70-77]

Scientific Conversions



1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Loved it ---- but I liked No.8 best.



I would -- wouldn't I

[kerrensimmonds]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40:
Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag, daily, thereafter.....

[kerrensimmonds]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[John Knight]

Removed... Obviously not funny enough and I don't want to waste space....

[anniexf]

?