Jokes, please.....

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else, and is NON CH related - chat about the weather, or anything else that takes your fancy.

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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

I'm not going to comment, Ann !
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loringa
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by loringa »

THE MUM TEST

(probably posted before but I thought it was funny - sent to me by my wife obviously)!

I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, And probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mum, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly and replied, 'All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'Oh....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'
'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mum.
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NEILL THE NOTORIOUS
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS »

Putrid Puns ---
She was only a whiskey maker --- but he loved her still

No matter how you push the envelope -- it will still be stationery

Two silk worms had a race --- they ended up in a tie

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

I though I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island ------ it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Kim2s70-77 »

Oldies , but goldies, Neill!
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds »

Guess who I bumped into in the opticians today?














bl**dy everyone :lol:
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood »

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune, I am going to buy Citibank."

Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy Ford Motors."

Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince, and I intend to purchase Microsoft!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak.

The Jew slowly stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly in the saucer, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them all and casually said, "Sorry, I'm not selling!!!"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by kerrensimmonds »

An elderly couple had just gone to bed. The old guy realised that his wife seemed a little down so he asked her what was the matter.
She replied: "Do you remember how you used to hold my hand when we went to bed?" so he took her hand.
He heard her sigh again. "What's the matter now?"
"You used to kiss my cheek before we went to sleep". The old man obliged but as he was settling he heard her tutting. "Now what?"
"Remember how you would nibble my ear and neck"
Sighing heavily, the old man started to get out of bed. "Where are you going?" his wife asked.

His reply ,"To get my teeth"

>

>
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NEILL THE NOTORIOUS
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS »

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The Instructor was telling the women, how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their Partners, at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you, walking is especially beneficial, it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make Delivery that much easier."

She looked at the men in the room --- "And Gentlemen, remember -- you are in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her "

Th room suddenly got vry quiet at the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back slowly raised his hand.

"Yes ? " answered the Instructor.

I was just wondering ----- is it all right if she carries a Golf Bag, while we walk ?
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood »

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for yer thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood »

PROBABLE REPEAT PUNS BUT....

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by sejintenej »

It's been a terrible decade with the deaths of Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Adam Faith and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no hope, no cash, no faith and no jobs.

(based on something in the Daily Mail)
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by jhopgood »

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe. At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of c**p that it can no longer fly.
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NEILL THE NOTORIOUS
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by NEILL THE NOTORIOUS »

God bless " Church Ladies " with typewriters -----These are all genuine notices

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale -- it is a chance to get rid of all those things not worth keeping about the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off --- let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I shall not pass this way again " giving obvious pleasure to the congeigation.

Please place your donation in the envelope provided, along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The Church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper at 5 PM, prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The Pastor would appreciate if ladies would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday


The Assistant Pastor uveiled the Church's new campaign slogan last Sunday ----- "I upped my Pledge -- up yours !"

And my personal favourite ----
This evening, at 7pm, there will be a hymn singing, in the Park, across from the Church.
Bring a blanket, and come prepared to sin.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by Mid A 15 »

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend.
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in short - B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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J.R.
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Re: Jokes, please.....

Post by J.R. »

Mid A 15 wrote:Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend.
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in short - B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Give me a second ! There's another...............
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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