Jokes, please.....
Moderator: Moderators
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FrogBoxed
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 245
- Joined: Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:47 am
- Real Name: Louise Barr
- Location: East Anglia
- Contact:
What are you doing in Brum, Hendrik? (Whatever it is, keep doing it as you appear to have brought the sun with you!)Hendrik wrote:i took a picture on my phone of a shop in brum called "LSD promotions". i thought that was illegal!
Louise Barr Col B 89-96 | Fine Artist Printmaker
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jtaylor
- Forum Administrator
- Posts: 1888
- Joined: Sat Jun 05, 2004 12:32 am
- Real Name: Julian Taylor
- Location: Wantage, OXON
- Contact:
There were a number of complaints recently made to the Police, regarding a sign put up outside a farm which read:
"Kids for sale"
"Kids for sale"
Julian Taylor-Gadd
Leigh Hunt 1985-1992
Founder of The Unofficial CH Forum
https://www.grovegeeks.co.uk - IT Support and website design for home, small businesses and charities.
Leigh Hunt 1985-1992
Founder of The Unofficial CH Forum
https://www.grovegeeks.co.uk - IT Support and website design for home, small businesses and charities.
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
I take it that if one did use them, you'd stick a n***** in each ear ! How would one adjust the volume ????Mid A 15 wrote:Apple has developed a new Ipod that will allow women to
store music in their breasts.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men who stare at their breasts but don't listen to them.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.
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cj
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1738
- Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:35 pm
- Real Name: Catherine Standing
- Location: Devon
Gulp ... blush ...marty wrote:You obviously haven't met the right kind of men...cj wrote:Ah well, there's all the fun in hunting for the little bit that makes it go louder ..... Men are notoriously bad at finding it ....
Catherine Standing (Cooper) 
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
Canteen Cath 1.12 (1983-85) & Col A 20 (1985-90)
Any idiot can deal with a crisis. It takes a genius to cope with everyday life.
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jhopgood
- Button Grecian
- Posts: 1886
- Joined: Mon Jun 07, 2004 6:26 pm
- Real Name: John Hopgood
- Location: Benimeli, Alicante
Understanding Engineers- Take One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers-Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers- Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.
Understanding Engineers- Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Six
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers- Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you?
I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers-Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers- Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.
Understanding Engineers- Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Six
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers- Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers- Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you?
I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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John Knight
- Deputy Grecian
- Posts: 314
- Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 10:19 am
- Location: Surrey
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are
washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third
gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are
washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what,
young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will
give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and
the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the
roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young
rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third
gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of this story? .
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always
overcome youth and arrogance!
Prep B 49 / Barnes B 39 - 1946-1952
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J.R.
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 15835
- Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2005 4:53 pm
- Real Name: John Rutley
- Location: Dorking, Surrey
You know you're British when...
You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.
You're always a half an hour late to work ... no-one notices or cares.
Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.
You can actually give directions to some of those annoying tourists in Oxford Street !
You step over a drunk in the tube station rather than offering to help them.
You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.
You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub.
You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes.
You dissolve in laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!).
You think £40 for a haircut is quite reasonable.
You can't remember what 'customer service' means.
After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house
More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.
You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser
You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'.
You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.
You like English cuisine. I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.
You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year
You've bought a disposable baby BBQ from Tesco.
A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.
You always call soccer football and you have a team and it's not Manchester United.
You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.
A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear
You've accepted queuing as a way of life.
You believe that every American is a fatass addicted to hamburgers and hot-dogs.
You despise the French (but then, who doesn't ?).
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Britan.
You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.
You're always a half an hour late to work ... no-one notices or cares.
Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.
You can actually give directions to some of those annoying tourists in Oxford Street !
You step over a drunk in the tube station rather than offering to help them.
You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.
You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub.
You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes.
You dissolve in laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!).
You think £40 for a haircut is quite reasonable.
You can't remember what 'customer service' means.
After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house
More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.
You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser
You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'.
You only just realise you have lost your sunnies, you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.
You like English cuisine. I mean, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.
You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year
You've bought a disposable baby BBQ from Tesco.
A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.
You always call soccer football and you have a team and it's not Manchester United.
You don't think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.
A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear
You've accepted queuing as a way of life.
You believe that every American is a fatass addicted to hamburgers and hot-dogs.
You despise the French (but then, who doesn't ?).
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Britan.
John Rutley. Prep B & Coleridge B. 1958-1963.