Jokes, please.....

[FrogBoxed]

This fella sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale". He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"Do you talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a damn liar. He's never done any of that stuff."

[FrogBoxed]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 motorway with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favor mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

[Mid A 15]

This one is pinched from a football site but it tickled me:



Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million
quid.

"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber?


Was it - A, Ronnie Barker...


B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...


C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it


D, Ronnie Biggs???"


Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris" Chris reminds him that he
still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris" "You don't
Want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000.

However before you go, you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no grass!"


IP: Logged
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[J.R.]

So you log into 'Fan-Focus', Mid A 15 ?

I like this one:-

At the National Art Gallery in New York a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"Infact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about ?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple."

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all................

They're just three Welsh coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[marty]

Who was the last English person to go to Australia and successfully regain the ashes?



































Paula Yates

[J.R.]

Bored at work and feel like browsing the Web ?

Have a chuckle !!


http://www.fun.from.hell.pl/2003-02-18/peeping.swf

[J.R.]

A BLONDE'S REVENGE !

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees.

The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon ?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four ?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck.

After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[J.R.]

GOD'S NEW PLAN !

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs fella, anything youant after all you're the guv'nor".

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch son. This time Noah, I don't want just a couple of decks... I want 20 decks - one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!!" screams Noah "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time ?"

"Yep, that's right, well... erm... sort of right. This time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish ?" queries Noah.

"Yes, fish. Little things.. that swim in seas and stuff. You know 'em. Well, actually, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp... wall to wall, floor to ceiling...... CARP !"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God, me old mucker. Let me get this right then geez, you want a New Ark ?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other ?"

"Correct".

"And you want it full of Carp ?"

"Oh yes".

"But why ?", asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting
to the end of his tether.

God replies: . . . . . . . . . . . .




























. . . . . . . . God say's, "I dunno really...





I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

[Richard Ruck]

Oh dear, they don't get any better, do they?

[J.R.]

Oh dear, they don't get any better, do they?

In a word, ...... OR

[J.R.]

.... and in true Les Dawson style !

In The Name Of The Father......................


A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."

The priest replies to the sinner, "You are forgiven my son. Go out and say three Hail Marys."

Soon, another man enters the connfessional. "Father, it's been two months since my last confession. I have sinned. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest's curiosity overtakes his discretion, and he asks, "Tell me my son, who is Fanny Green?"

"She's a new woman in the neighbourhood, Father", the sinner replies.

"Oh! Very well, you are forgiven", says the priest. "Go out and say ten Hail Marys."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a tall, stunningly attractive woman enters the church and walks slowly down the aisle.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she selects a pew and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, revealing every curve of her voluptuous body and long, shapely legs with matching, shiny, high-heeled emerald green shoes.

Along with the parishioners, the priest and altar boy gape as the woman in green adjusts the hem of her skirt and finally settles, sitting with her legs spread slightly apart.

The priest fumbles with his notes and nervously whispers to the pop-eyed altar boy, "My boy, that lady who just sat down in the front row — is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy, his eyes still riveted on the woman's legs, stutters,

"N-no Father, I th-think it's just the ref-f-flection off her shoes."

[mattw]

A father asked his 11-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa speech."

At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech."

When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy speech."

If you tell me that grownups don't really get laid, what the hell will I have left to live?"

[marty]

Following the success of football movie "Goal", set against the backdrop of Newcastle United, movie bosses decided to cash in on England's recent ashes win and make a film based on cricket. Unfortunately, the film flopped despite a cast featuring Kevin Pietersen, Andrew Strauss and Freddie Flintoff. Can anyone figure out why audiences decided to stay away from "The Runs"?

[J.R.]

One for the Ladies !..........................

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[J.R.]

Presidential Briefing.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO !" the President exclaims. "That's terrible ! Unbelievable ! What a disaster !"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks: "How many is a brazillion ??"