Jokes, please.....

[Ajarn Philip]

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that, he throws a white powder into a Flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?'

The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, All she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again For another whole year.'

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says '123' And he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '123' for?

[jhopgood]

Some notes on the World Banking Crisis

Q: What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't short-sell anything?
A: Quarter pounder with fries please

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply

Entries from a new financial dictionary:
Broker: What my stock adviser has made me
Standard & poor: Your life in a nutshell
Cash flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet

Q: What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start

Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four

Q: For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland?
A: About Three Pounds Fifty...

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed.
They've called in the retrievers.

[J.R.]

Try it, I dare you !! (I think we'd best treat this as a joke !!)

Now here's a thought . . . . If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, try this:

a.. Go to Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

b.. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

c.. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors...

d. Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.

e.. Procreate abundantly.

f.. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'

g.. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.

h.. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise.

i.. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

j.. Demand a local country driver license or national insurance number equivalent

k.. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq

l.. Drive around with no MOT, tax or insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

m.. Insist that local country law enforcement teaches English to all its officers..

n.. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

It would never happen in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq (or any other country in the world for that matter) except in the UK , US, or Canada , because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to 'offend' anyone.

[J.R.]

TOP TIPS !!!!

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place..

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.


HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.


DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[J.R.]

YOU'RE NEXT !

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that sh1t after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals !

[J.R.]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS.

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investorto mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for £240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at £240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[Ajarn Philip]

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that these two systems are not compatible and as a result caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008, which is obviously a great advantage.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made are automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory, and can not be deleted. These often resurface months later when I have forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I think there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to use your bank details to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

*********************************************

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but this doesn’t seem to work.

What’s the solution, please?

Signed,

Desperate

****************************************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whereas Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Mensclub 4.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly syndrome.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is normally a good program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I have used Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7, and find that works very well.

Good Luck.
_________________

[J.R.]

What's the best thing about Pagan friends ? They worship the ground you walk on...

"He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid ?
A: Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid mathematician ?
A: Someone who worships the square roots of the tree that is not there.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid veterinarian ?
A: Someone who worships the bark of the tree that is not there.

Q: What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub ?
A: A Self-Cleaning Coven





Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa!

[J.R.]

Just for Grand-Parents !

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, ' But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper 'good-bye! ''

#####

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him ' 62. ' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, ' Did you start at 1? '


#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, ' Who was THAT? '


#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: ' We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods. ' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, ' I sure wish I knew you sooner! '


#####


A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. ' What's about? ' he asked her. ' How do I know? ' she replied. ' I can't read yet! '

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, ' Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! '

#####

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, ' It is no use, Grandpa. The mosquitos are coming after us with flashlights. '

#####

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, ' I'm not sure.' ' Look in your underwear, Grandpa, ' he advised. ' mine says, I'm four to six. '


#####

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, ' Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting, ' she said. ' How do you make babies? ' ' It's easy, ' replied the girl. ' You just change Y to I and add ES.'

#####

Children's Logic: ' Give me a sentence about a public servant, ' said a teacher. The small boy wrote, ' The fireman came down the ladder pregnant. ' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. ' Do you know what ' pregnant ' means? ' she asked. ' Sure, ' said the young boy confidently. ' It means ' carrying a child ' . '

#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children were discussing the dog's duties: 'They use him to keep crowds back, ' said one child. ' No, ' said another, ' he ' s just for good luck. 'A third child brought the argument to a close. ' They use the dogs, ' she said firmly, ' to find the fire hydrants.

[kerrensimmonds]

Loved them, JR!

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'What in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'Dad, I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What on earth are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[englishangel]

Probably the silliest joke on here Kerren.

[J.R.]

Seamus !!

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, '... And how are you feeling ?'

'Now what the F*ck would you say ?'

[huntertitus]

'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on, 'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't.' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Homebase.

[jhopgood]

Always did find the Newfoundland Logic far superior to most others!!!

'Wooden Leg Insurance'
A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here on the screen it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*

[kerrensimmonds]

Gordon Brown flies into Washington , still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S, despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol recently.

In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S. This column was tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach , for a preview of the visit:

'Good morning America , how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting.

The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush. But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.'

"Hey, Chad . As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me".

"So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?"

"Well, Chad , he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor".

"What, you mean he's, like, German?"

"No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here".

"And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?"

"No, Chad . He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be".

"So how did Brown get the job?"

"He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down".

"But he won an election, right?"

"No, Chad , there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose".

"How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated".

"That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President".

"So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?"

"Negative, again, Chad . He did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him".

"What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?"

"Affirmative, Chad".

"Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tin pot Commie dictatorship to me".

"You could say that, Chad . Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything".

"Someone must have voted for him, some time".

"Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland".

"He's Scoddish, then?"

"That's a big Ten-Four, Chad".

"So is he President of Scotlandland, too?"

"No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon".

"Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?"

"That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad . Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland. Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels , Belgiumland".

"That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico".

"I guess so".

"How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that?"

"They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote".

"Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?"

"Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg , where the geese come from".

"Isn't there any opposition?"

"There's a guy called Boris".

"Sounds Russian".

"I wouldn't be surprised, Chad . There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl. Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either".

"What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit? We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off The Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy. How does Norman Brown get away with it? He must be a popular guy".

"Far from it, Chad . According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush. There's talk about him having to stand down soon. He's already promised
the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls".

"Say again, Brit, you're breaking up".

"I said Balls".

"You're damn right there, buddy".