Jokes, please.....

[Spiv]

I love Blonde jokes...


A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' ...




'So I just switched the heads.'

[englishangel]

yeeeeurch

[J.R.]

Sometimes, the 'sickies' are the best !

[englishangel]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.


The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[J.R.]

Blonde Australian.

A Blonde Australian was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates..

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly Australian souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of ?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are ?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' ?'

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year ?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T ?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year ?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve !'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure ?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda ?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really !' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer ?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy ??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer ?'

(Scroll down)













'Easy,' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'. . .
and the blonde entered into Heaven..........

[J.R.]

A U..S. Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is full from the last flight so an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without leave. Even reindeers' @sses are beginning to look good to me. I have one stripe, it's 0230, 40 degrees below zero and my job is to pump sh1t out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind ?'

[jhopgood]

ouch!! Punnza comin'

(You have been warned)

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said , 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[John Knight]

(Copied from 'somewhere else')

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type of aircraft, and points of origin and destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[kerrensimmonds]

This is soooooooooooooo bad........








A new middle east conflict erupted yesterday when dubai Tv refused to broadcast the Flintstones.

A spokesman said ' dubai people dont get the humour but those in Abu dhabi Do '..

[englishangel]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far, said the show's presenter, but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you
go for it?

Sure, said Mick. I'll have a go!
Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue, said Mick, so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin . Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

Bejasus, Mick! cried Paddy. Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.

Are you sure?
I'm surely sure. Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.
Is that your final answer, asked Chris.

Dat it is, Sir.

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

Tell me, Paddy, how in heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

Because he lives in a clock!

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

I loved the Irish Joke !
May I respond with a Welsh Joke / (Now its Racist !)
Dai and Iuan are standing outside the Cardiff Arms Park, waiting to go in and see the Match.
Just at that moment a Funeral passes, --- Dai turnsto face it, and removes his cap, "That was polite of you!"says Iuan
Scroll down------------












Well I was married to her for 40 years ! !

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

A man looks over his garden fence --and sees a little girl digging a hole---
"Why are you digging that hole little girl ?"
"Because my little pet Goldfish is dead" (AAAH !) from the Audience.
"But, little girl -- why are you digging such a big hole ?"










"Because my little pet Goldfish, is in the belly of you BIG FAT CAT ! "

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

One More ! ---- just to lower the tone ---
A lady is suffering from Heamorroids (Spelling?) and goes to see her GP
"I'm sorry Madam, but this will need Surgery !"
"Oh no -- isn't there some form of Complimentary Medicine, which will avoid Surgery ?"
"Well I can't be certain -- but I have read a Paper, which recommends the application of Tea Bags 3 time a day "
"Come back and see me in a Week, to discuss further treatment "
The lady goes away -- delighted

She returns a week later for a further examination ----

"Well they haven't cured you Heamorrroids ------------




But you'r going to meet a Tall Dark Stranger !"


I DO apologise ---- rap on knuckles from Moderator ?
It's those Geography Deps again !

[englishangel]

This moderator has her office in stitches reading that out.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Another couple from my "Jewish" Sojourn :--- Reuben and Rachel ---
Reuben's 60th Birthday -- looks out of the window to see his Present --- a brand new Ferrari --
"Darling -- what a wonderful gift --- but how did you afford it ?"
"Since we were married -- every time we made love, I put a Fiver in a Savings Tin -- with the Intrest -- here is your Present !"




Darling -- If I had only known -- I would have given you ALL my Custom ! "