Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

WHY GOD MADE MUMS


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers ?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers ?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from mens' bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum ?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum ?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him ?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook ? Does he get drunk on beer ?
3. Does he make at least £800 a year ? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores ?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad ?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house ?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads ?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time ?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect ?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be ?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

This was a sign in a shop window in Glamorgan S. Wales :

I WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN 1 BRITISH SOLDIER !



Shock Horror !


The sign was in the window of a Funeral Director --- who says Morticians don't have a sense of Humour ?


GOD BLESS THE WELSH ! (From an Irishman !)

[Foureyes]

Here's one for JR's birthday.

Question: What do you doi if you miss your mother-in-law?
Answer: Reload and shoot again

[midget]

In a similar vein

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Small boy to Mother "There's a dead cat in the garden "
"How do you know its dead ?"
"I pissed in its ear "
"You WHAT ?"
"yes I went psssst in its ear --and it didn't move !"

[J.R.]

Nice one Neill !

Reminds me of the ageing deaf gentleman walking up to the Dragon behind the counter at his Doctor's surgery.

"I need to see the Doc urgently ! He says in a loud voice.

"What's the problem ?" asks the receptionist.

"I've got a problem with my penis !" The man says as loudly as before.

"WELL REALLY !!", says the indignant receptionist, "Couldn't you just have said you'd got a problem with your ear, or something ?" Before booking him in.

A few weeks later the same man wanders into the surgery....

"I need to see the Doc again urgently ! The man almost shouts

"What's the problem this time ?" asks the receptionist.

"I've got a problem with my ear !" The man informs her.

"And what's wrong with your ear ?" The old dragon asks.

"I can't p1ss out of it !!!" The man informs her.

[99yorkpj]

What do you get if a red ship and a blue ship collide?


Maroon.....

[J.R.]

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking bl**dy Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn. Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. 'Mmmm', he thinks. 'What's going on here ?'

A few yards further on and........BANG.

Smacked on the back of the head again ! He whirls round as quick as he can - Nobody.

Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. 'How odd !'

A few more yards further along the street and........CRASH.

Smacked on the back of the head yet again !

He whirls round as quick as he can nothing. He's getting really angry now.

Again he looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart.

He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you ?"






..... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer !!"

[99yorkpj]

There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

[Jo]

Specially for JR..........


1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit?


4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this
way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are
no wrong answers.
If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question
counselling will be available)


6. Teaching Maths 2018

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من دولار. صاحب تكلفةالانتاج من>
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[lonelymom]

Dear Tech Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife=2 01.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often
crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

Signed

At Wits' End



AND THE FLIP SIDE ...................

Dear Tech Support

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed

Desperate


Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck

[lonelymom]

Friendship

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b**tard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're Not.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath, I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' 'Because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

LonelyMom ----- Wit's End ----
Was that the Gay Monarch ?
Will this pass JR ????

[lonelymom]

[NEILL THE NOTORIOUS]

Possibly slightly humorous ,, but politically incorrect ---
My first Wife, of 20 years, was a Model and found somebody prettier than I
My present Wife, of 33 years, is a Nurse

A Man's priorities change !