Jokes, please.....

[cj]

This is true, related to me by my mother!!!!

A retired primary school teacher was invited by a friend to an outing in the park with a group of children. After the picnic had been consumed, one of the little girls asked if she could go to the toilet. As the conveniences were some way off, and the little girl suggested some urgency in the matter, the old lady took her around the back of some bushes to be private. While she was engaged in nature's call, a little boy appeared and proceeded to conduct his business near to them. Having taken a good look at what was going on beside her, the little girl then turned to the lady and said, "What a very useful thing to take on a picnic!"

[J.R.]

Friday fun again

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with '46 Ford Coupe and a duck-tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat ?" she says.

"That's cool." says Harold.

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the milk bar or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw ? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat ?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her !"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:



"Dammit, Mum! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist !"

[J.R.]

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with idiots. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

[John Knight]

Voting Day Today!

[jhopgood]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tasmania. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and I'm just going over to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over."

The indignant lawyer said, "Listen, I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes inTasmania. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Tasmanian Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tasmanian Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about this rule and decided that he could easily take the old codger. So he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his Feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn,

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

[J.R.]

Received from IT department.......



Dear Colleague,

There are a lot of changes that are going to be taking place across the board as far as the servers & personal computers go.

The goal is to remove all laptop computers by May 07 and all desktops computers by July 07 as a part of the ongoing cost-cutting around the company.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
4. No more worries about power cuts.
5. Budget savings on Upgrades unparalleled

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document ?
A: Don't shake it.


Regards
IT Solutions

[J.R.]

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on he counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure
we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "FU*K You !"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service!"

[J.R.]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign ! You Sign !"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


"You Sign ! You Sign !"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You Sign ! You Sign !"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away ! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them !" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You Sign ! You Sign !"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand ? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to ?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:







(It's a beauty)











(Wait for it)












(Get your best Chinese accent ready)



























"You not Nissan Main Deala ?"

[J.R.]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses @rse ?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses @rse !"

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.


After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though !!"

[J.R.]

I'm sure young Plum will enjoy this one !

_______________________

A Letter home from Scout Camp !

Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. There was nobody in them.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up? The wet wood wouldn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back and he’s angry because no-one will lend him any trousers.. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.

It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are caravans and sheep and deaf people walking in the middle of the road.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees and dead animals under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He says we must learn by experience. He didn't even get angry about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid badges. When William dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see what a human bone looks like and how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

He said he got sick that way from the food he ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he worked how to get things done better while he was doing his time, and he met a lot of interesting people. By the way, what is a pedal file ?

I have to go now. We are going into the village to post our letters and buy some more beer. Scoutmaster Keith prefers Vodka, so we’ve had a collection to buy him some. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Bobby. xxx

[englishangel]

Blonde Joke



A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."


She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."


The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."



The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."


The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain:

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"



The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[J.R.]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE A.T.M. MACHINE

A new sign in the bank foyer reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines enabling customers to with-draw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research , MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card , cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

* Unfortunately , most of this part s the Truth !

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required mount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake , put the window down.
4. Find handbag , remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag , locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided !
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone .
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[englishangel]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE A.T.M. MACHINE

A new sign in the bank foyer reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-Through ATM machines enabling customers to with-draw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research , MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card , cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

* Unfortunately , most of this part s the Truth !

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required mount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake , put the window down.
4. Find handbag , remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag , locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided !
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone .
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

That would be the same one I was behind at the exit from the car park would it? He had three goes at lining up with the machine and eventually got out and put the card in from a standing position.

[cj]

Why God made Mums!

BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other mum?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a nut..
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[John Knight]