Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, "Play a jazz chord !!"

Amazed that this guy knows about jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild.The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, No ! Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !!"

A bit pi55ed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, No ! Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage and starts to sing.................
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"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you...... !!"

[Mid A 15]

A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.

Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".
Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says

"Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too"

and drives off.

[John Knight]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 Convertible out
of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little, silver hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to
the carpet even more.

Then, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Police car behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110, then 120, then 130mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this
nonsense!" So he pulled over and waited for the Police car to catch up with
him.

Pulling in behind him, the Police Officer walked up to the driver's side of
the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a
reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, you can go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years
ago, my wife ran off with a Policeman. I thought you were bringing her
back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Policeman.

[J.R.]

I hope I don't have to explain this joke to anyone !!
__________________________________

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some rubbish eh ? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of this rubbish, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort them out".

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar !"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000 !!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.

Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says...........
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"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . . away Gauls count double in Europe !"

[J.R.]

CREATION - AUSSIE STYLE !

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQ's!

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's…and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,swimming and BBQ's on the beach,and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with… So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... ...Well .. Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, To cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that, it was Bl00dy Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

[midget]

Ouch to the first one, and as for the second, I take it you won't be going to Oz in the near future?

Maggie

[Mid A 15]

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at
the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the
suit

Dave; I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.

Dave: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house . I built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w****r (rhyming slang, filters got me!)

[englishangel]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a long drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry,.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God."

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[englishangel]

These are very bad!

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar?" I said "Well, I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my Mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builder's today. I said to him "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" . He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me Managing Director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I phoned a guy at the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever then?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[J.R.]

Mary - They are FANTASTIC. I'm still laughing !

[J.R.]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born ?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway ! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Male'.

[J.R.]

Kids Views Of Mothers !

Why did God make mothers ?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers ?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts

What ingredients are mothers made of ?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum ?

1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom ?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him ?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook ? Does he get drunk on beer ?
3. Does he make at least £1,000 a year ? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores ?

Why did your mom marry your dad ?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house ?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads ?

1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time ?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect ?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be ?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[J.R.]

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this father ?" The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Quick ! - Go get your mother !!"

[J.R.]

Grandma in the Courtroom

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me ?"

She responded , "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney ?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[J.R.]

Tony Bliar's Version.

To be sung to the tune of Sinatra's 'I did it my way !'

And now - The van is here,
There's only one thing that I'm certain.
Cherie will swipe the lot,
Every light bulb and every curtain.
I haven't spent too much on holidays
They've all been freebies.
My thanks to Little Cliff
And one of the Bee Gees.

Regrets, I've quite a few,
But none at all about my pension.
While some have lost the lot,
Mine is great, I'd like to mention.
Some say that they hate me
For selling gongs along the highway.
I pray that Scotland Yard
Will not come my way.

There were times, Iraq no doubt,
I thought that I would get found out.
But through it all, my friends stood tall
And kept their gobs shut one and all.
Then someone said:
Just use your head
And blame Lord Levy.

What is a man, what has he got ?
Well in my case, it's quite a lot
And very soon in the USA,
Millions more will come my way.
And George Bush knows
I took the blows
And did it his way.