Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Not a joke, but a comment from my son yesterday.

We were discussing the tapes we had for listening in the car when he was a very little boy.

"There was the Chris Rea tape" he remembered. "Oh, and the Dire Straits tape! Trouble was, I never could tell one from the other."

His face assumed a tragic look.

"As far as I could tell, we were listening to DIRE REA".

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make £200 a week. Wh y?'

The CEO then handed the guy £800 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here ?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

......... at the risk of having my wrists slapped for being un-pc !

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

POOOOFF !

With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was made forever fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious states."

POOOOFF !

Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there were huge walls around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall !" The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 500 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."




The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, and says, "Fill it with water then".........

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted
after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of
her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller
and without missing a beat
says, 'Well! That's great..........
that's really great..........
some a***hole's got my pen.'

(thanks Julie)

J.R. wrote:A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make £200 a week. Wh y?'

The CEO then handed the guy £800 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here ?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

You joke about that.
Where I once worked ( FTSE100 company) the CEO was not capable of stringing 3 words together without two of them being swear words. He came into the reception one day and tells the chief messenger "Tell that man to get his **** hair cut and be at my desk 9 o'clock tomorrow or he's out" (or swear words to that effect). What nobody dared tell Sir ***** was that the man in question was a messeger from another company!

This is true.
I once worked for a general named John Noel Thomas, an officer in the Royal Engineers. He was awarded a knighthood in the Birthday Honours and the following morning, within minutes of arriving in the office, he was most surprised to receive a telephone call from Prince Phillip, whom he had never met.
"Congratulations, general," said HRH, "and may I enquire what is your second name?"
"Noel, sir."
"Very well, when you come to the Palace to be knighted I require that you shall be dubbed 'Sir Noel Thomas."
"Why is that, sir?"
"Because, general, the only man to whom Her Majesty says 'Arise, Sir John Thomas" is me."
End of conversation.
This is true.

Another true story.

Sir Jeremy Morse, chairman of Lloyds Bank, was visiting 100 Pall Mall, which housed the main branch of Lloyds Bank International, and also various Head office Departments.
The porter on the front desk, who had been there forever and knew everyone, greeted the accompanying Personnel Manager as a long lost friend and was also fairly chatty to Sir Jeremy.
After the visit and as they were waiting for the car to take Sir Jeremy back to Lombard Street, Sir Jeremy asked the personnel manager how well he knew the staff at Pall Mall. On being told pretty well, especially the old timers, Sir J asked if he knew the name of the porter on the front desk.
"Oh, you mean Joe, yes, I know him, he's been with us for quite some time."
"Don't you think he is a little extravagant?" came the reply.
"I suppose you could say that"

"Do you think it is an extravagance we could well do without?"

Mumble, mumble and Joe left at the end of the week.

jhopgood wrote:Another true story.

Sir Jeremy Morse, chairman of Lloyds Bank, was visiting 100 Pall Mall, which housed the main branch of Lloyds Bank International, and also various Head office Departments.
The porter on the front desk, who had been there forever and knew everyone, greeted the accompanying Personnel Manager as a long lost friend and was also fairly chatty to Sir Jeremy.
After the visit and as they were waiting for the car to take Sir Jeremy back to Lombard Street, Sir Jeremy asked the personnel manager how well he knew the staff at Pall Mall. On being told pretty well, especially the old timers, Sir J asked if he knew the name of the porter on the front desk.
"Oh, you mean Joe, yes, I know him, he's been with us for quite some time."
"Don't you think he is a little extravagant?" came the reply.
"I suppose you could say that"

"Do you think it is an extravagance we could well do without?"

Mumble, mumble and Joe left at the end of the week.

What a banker.

Ajarn Philip wrote: What a banker.

I'm with you here Philip. Not impressed by "Sir Jeremy"!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke" then turns to the ostrich and asks "What's yours?". "I'll have the same" says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £9.40 please" she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke please." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later the following week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same" says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says "That will be £32.62 please."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

"Ah", the man sighs, pauses and then replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

But the man had three wishes; I'm glad you missed out the cat who always had 'arf'

sejintenej wrote:But the man had three wishes; I'm glad you missed out the cat who always had 'arf'

Actually the cat would never put its hand in its pocket to pay because he had also wished for a tight pussy.

Genuine Extracts from Council Housing Complaint Letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

Love them!!

The Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough officer in the office. The officer is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Tax Department finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?"

The officer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!"

Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand ponds that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye." The officer can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the officer's desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the officer asks.

"Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"