Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."

** Bad Taste Warning **

I've just picked up my new car: youcan get two in the front, two in the back and one in the boot - you've guessed, it's a Renault McCaan

Today some of us mourn the passing of a beloved old friend "Common Sense" who was with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

His health declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I'm A Whinger and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

How true, and so sad.

This hardly a joke, but is relevant to the last couple of postings...


Man, 72, refused alcohol over age

Staff say all customers are asked for proof of age
Supermarket staff refused to sell alcohol to a white-haired 72-year-old man - because he would not confirm he was over 21.
Check-out staff at Morrisons in West Kirby, Wirral, demanded Tony Ralls prove he was old enough to buy his two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Mr Ralls asked to see the manager who put the wine back on the shelf.

The grandfather-of-three said he had refused to confirm he was over 21 as it was a "stupid question."

Mr Ralls, a retired insurance firm regional manager, said he expected the store manager to resolve the situation but he was disappointed.

"I felt like saying 'What do I look like? Are you a fool?'

It's bureaucracy gone mad

Tony Ralls

"He picks up the wine and, in the manner of a child taking home his ball, says 'Well, we won't serve you'."

The pensioner abandoned his shopping on the conveyor belt and left the store - but not before demanding a complaints form and phone number for Morrisons' headquarters.

Mr Ralls said: "It is bureaucracy gone mad. If the check-out lady, who was about 40, had asked me with a twinkle in her eye perhaps I would not have been so tetchy.

"But she asked me the question with a perfectly straight face and I said I wouldn't dignify the question with an answer.

"And if the manager had explained that all the staff had to ask everyone because they had previously been fined, but said I was clearly over 21, it would have been fine - but he showed no sense of humour."

Mr Ralls added that he felt embarrassed to return to the supermarket and wanted an apology for "the stupid and unnecessary confrontation."

He added: "I applaud any efforts to stop kids being served and standing on street corners getting drunk. But this was just totally stupid."

A Morrisons spokesman said: "We take our responsibility with regard to selling alcohol very seriously and all our stores operate the Task 21 scheme, which addresses the difficulties our staff face in being able to determine if a customer is legally old enough to buy alcohol.

"To further limit any element of doubt staff at the West Kirby store are required to ask anyone buying alcohol to confirm that they are over 21."

This is for the 'current' husbands...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."


The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.


"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

LAUGHS FROM EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

More:

# Goes through life pushing doors marked pull.

# (Army report on a junior officer). There is nobody I would rather have beside me in a tight corner than Lieutenant X. On the other hand, it would be him that got me into the tight corner in the first place.

# Mr Smith does not suffer fools gladly and should therefore take greater care in his dealings with senior managers.

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago ?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit ?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name ?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask ?"



"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you ?... now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)

The Blonde and the Casino.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand rand (R20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON !"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll ?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY :

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men !!!

Some real good ones here if you take a minute to think about them .These are nicknames in use that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates.

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: "I'll get back to you on that."

The Man from Del Monte - purportedly a ladies' man, but everyone suspects it's the fruits that make him say: "Yes !"

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: "Let me put you in the picture..."

Bernard Caliper - a keen golfer with a leg iron.

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls.

Elmer - according to his mates, this guy is a real Fudd.

Harvey Smith - a skinflint who regularly enjoys a clear round at the bar.

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Polyfilla - his real name is Phil McCracken.

The Mounty - whenever there's a carry-out on the go, he always gets his can

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.

Wolfy - fond of a right good bevvy, he's always howling.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

Charlton Heston - an incredibly slow fitter who turns every job into an epic.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: "Sorry, my hands are tied."

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)

An old cowboy sat down at the local Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

This has done the rounds before, so apologies if I posted a couple of years ago !
-----------------------

LETTER HOME FROM A FARM KID.
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad,there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

OLD AGE (1)

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour.

He pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.....

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts ?"




"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

OLD AGE (2)

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down !" she tells him.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it ! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment..............




"Where's my toast ?"