Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Ajarn Philip wrote:10 [a] Not knowing if you've posted something already...

Damn, why isn't there a 'duck - incoming' emoticon when you need one!

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting housebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a filling station was just around the corner. She walked there to borrow a petrol can and buy some fuel. The attendant told her that the only petrol can he owned had already been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was emptying it into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Question: Are there too many immigrants in the UK ?

Answer:

25%: Yes

5%: No

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن ..

Subject: Dear Abby

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States . Act like one!

I think our mates in the States will love that one John !

Mid A 15 wrote:Question: Are there too many immigrants in the UK ?

Answer:

25%: Yes

5%: No

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن ..

Translation please?

"No - We are quite happy here, thank you very much !" Seems likely.

Then again, I don't read from right to left !

your comment seems appropriate JR, but to answer Mary's question it looks like it's not entirely relevant to the question: 'Centre for National Security in Washington' I think.
Although I guess it a bit ironic...

Not very P***y

Reminds me of Tommy Cooper

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

One some of you may have seen in the paper

A child was asked about his Christmas drawing of Mary, Jesus and a rather large rotund red fellow.

"Well thats the mother" he said, pointing , " that`s the child ...and that`s Round John Virgin"

(I haven't ploughed through the whole of this thread, so apologies if it's here already.)


Descartes is sitting in a café. "Will you have cream in your coffee, Monsieur?" asks the waiter.
"Er.. I think not," replies Descartes. and vanishes.

michael scuffil wrote:(I haven't ploughed through the whole of this thread, so apologies if it's here already.)


Descartes is sitting in a café. "Will you have cream in your coffee, Monsieur?" asks the waiter.
"Er.. I think not," replies Descartes. and vanishes.

ROFL !!!

Some 'Foot-In-Mouth' Football gaffs !

_________________________

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester ."
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

..... and my favourite Colemanball:

The test match [in Australia] begins in ten minutes - that's our time, of course.

Jo wrote:ROFL !!!

Thanks Jo, I had to look that one up.