Jokes, please.....

[Katharine]

It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he could not tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the national weather service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the national weather service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at national weather service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the national weather service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The bl**dy Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[J.R.]

Mothers intuition !

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flat mate, Nigel, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Nigel & I are just flat mates".

About a week later, Nigel came to Peter saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you ?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Peter. So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

DEAR SON, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH NIGEL, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH NIGEL, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

[Ajarn Philip]

This one is for everyone who...

a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.



I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's going to eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my bogie?"

[J.R.]

A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the till, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in !"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious !"
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist !!!"

[J.R.]

SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2007


GLASGOW REGION

Name........ ......... ......... ......... ........

Nickname.... ......... ......... ......... .......

Gangname.... ......... ......... ........



1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine to sell. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money.
How much must he charge for a gram ?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587., and he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one.
How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single ?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing.
How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final ?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it.
How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres ?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years.
How many more previous convictions did Fingers have ?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief ?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name........ ......... ......... ......... ......

Rugby Club........ ......... ......... ......... ........

Daddy's Company..... ......... ......... ......... ......... .. .....


1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe, but Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him.
How long does he cry before giving them the tickets ?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's Dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth.
How many friends does Peter have ?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle . His daddy is a Freemason and a QC.
How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate ?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances.
Which one of the women weighs 19 stone ?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour.
How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living ?

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name........ ......... ......... ........

Glen........ ......... ......... .....

Clan ............ ......... ......... ......... .



1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT.
How many people actually give a toss ?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology.
How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids ?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised ?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures ?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the Spring !

[J.R.]

SUBJECT :- WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS !!!

Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help ?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox



Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor.

I hope this helps.

Ted

[John Knight]

In a small town, there was a big factory that hired only married men. Upset,
a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your
employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are
used to obeying orders and have learned to keep their mouths shut when I
yell at them.

that's right isn't it dear

[jhopgood]

Candidate for Darwin Awards

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME ... or anywhere else!

Taser Classic...

(Only a guy would do this!)

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -- adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.
Awesome!!!

(Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it,"reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl

[John Knight]

They walk among us

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was
that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one
Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'No, it's not. Four is larger than two....'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window
and I gave the clerk a $5 bill . Our total was $4.25, so I also
handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING
sign
on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I
replied,
'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and
nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham, Alabama

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I k new what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IIDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department
and found a mechanic working feverish ly to unlock the drivers side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle
and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician,
'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk and drive among us...
And the REALLY scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE

[englishangel]

During a visit to a mental institution the visitor asked the Director: 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?' 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Doyou want a bed near the window?'

[jhopgood]

DEER MEAT

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an ***hole..

[jhopgood]

Not very *unny

(Strives to match Tommy Cooper)

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
8. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet concrete. He became a hardened criminal.
9. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
10. We'll never run out of maths teachers because they always multiply.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
12. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
13. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
14. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
15. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

[jhopgood]

A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.

[J.R.]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

[englishangel]

Not a joke but great:


Cherokee Wisdom-Two Wolves.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret,greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

'The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:

'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'