Jokes, please.....

[midget]

Brilliant--it nearly led to an unfortunate incident. Thank goodness my computer is near the bathroom!
Maggie

[Mid A 15]

Two women had gone for a girl's night out and had gotten somewhat over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
Neither one of them had anything to wipe with.
One of the women thought she would take off her knickers and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of knickers and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to use that.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
"These girly nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no knickers!"
"That's nothing" the other husband replied, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[englishangel]

3

[Mid A 15]

3

??

[englishangel]

I think that's the third time that one has been posted. My husband does that when I text him a joke, tho' it is usually 6 or 7

[englishangel]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.' What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'those are called Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex'.
'Oh I see,' replied the boy. 'Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......................................................................

[Ajarn Philip]

3








(Feel free to check...!)

[englishangel]

it's my age

[jhopgood]

Sent to me by an Old Blue, who found them amusing enough to forward

Here is a collection of trivia questions asked by Media personalities together with answers given by their quiz show contestants!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'Cherry pickers' and 'Cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What a Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . ...
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er .. er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er.... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[englishangel]

yOU HAVE TO FEEL SORRY FOR THEM.

[kerrensimmonds]

An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About half way through she leans over and says to her husband: "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

(Sorry if this has been on before... I have not been following this thread....)

[marty]

Jeremy Beadle's cremation is to be televised. It's listed in the TV guide as "You've Been Flamed"...

[kerrensimmonds]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN (sorry if this has been on here before....)

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[J.R.]

Jeremy Beadle's cremation is to be televised. It's listed in the TV guide as "You've Been Flamed"...

I received a Jeremy Beadle joke by text this morning !

Not sure if it's quite the right time to post on here yet !

[Urgh-My-Pancreas]

sorry if this has been heard before!

a duck walks into a pub
"got any bread?" he asks the barman
"no sorry," is the reply "just sandwiches, no straight bread i'm afraid!"
"got any bread?" the duck asks again
"No, sorry, go elsewhere!" says the barman frustatedly
"got any bread?"
"NO!" cries the barman "and if you ask me one more time, i'll nail your beak to the bar!"
"got any nails?" asks the duck
"well... no" says the barman
"Got Any Bread?"

that's my dad's favorite joke