Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

This must have been posted before. Still make me larf !

A married couple are lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit!"

She said, "I don't think you understand, my name was 'Brian' and I played for the All Blacks."

[englishangel]

about 2 pages back

[kerrensimmonds]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said’ Suits £5.00 each, Shirts£2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair'.

Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking 'cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. Oi'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Paddy, Oi'll keep me mouth shut, so I will,' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland, aren't you?'

'Well...yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d' y' know dat?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners.'

(PS I don't write this stuff.......I just pass it on)

[J.R.]

Again, this may have been posted before.....
________

KIDS !!!!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell ?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
_______

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like !'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
__________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters ?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
_______

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom ?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white ?'
_____

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a Doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
_____

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet ?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
_____

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip biscuits.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[jhopgood]

Is yer Dad home?

A Queensland, Australia farmer got in his pick-up and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home"? the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "Is yer mum here"?
"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about yer brother, Greg? Is he here"?
"He went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely.
"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about yer brother Greg getting my daughter
pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded.
If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

[John Knight]

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[kerrensimmonds]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE" The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER" The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing, " MEMORIES."

[englishangel]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college but, half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they've started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and to hear him talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.






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[michael scuffil]

What did the Irishman call his zebra?

[michael scuffil]

Spot.

[J.R.]

Spot ?

[englishangel]

he was an adolescent zebra

[englishangel]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[J.R.]

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine ?" asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!' ?"

Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling ?"



"Now what the Feck would you say ??"

[Mid A 15]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying

And the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...

Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over
to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over half an hour and when we were done

we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'