Jokes, please.....

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:18 am

Richard Ruck wrote:B*gger, it seems to be a bit big.

Anyone know how to fix it?

Make it smaller ?

Having just read the late Rabbi Hugo Gryn's 'Chasing Shadows', I have to say Richard - It is in rather dubious taste.

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:34 am

J.R. wrote: Having just read the late Rabbi Hugo Gryn's 'Chasing Shadows', I have to say Richard - It is in rather dubious taste.

Undoubtedly so, but there's always room in life for a bit of black humour.

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:38 am

Richard Ruck wrote:
J.R. wrote: Having just read the late Rabbi Hugo Gryn's 'Chasing Shadows', I have to say Richard - It is in rather dubious taste.
Undoubtedly so, but there's always room in life for a bit of black humour.

.....But that would be described in this Nanny state as Racism !!!

J.R. · Post by **J.R.** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 5:10 pm

Another to raise the hackles of the Hertford Lassies !

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bad and she's in dire financial difficulty. She's desperate and she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins.

She again prays, "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, let me win the Lotto
just this one time, so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the voice of God. "Sweetheart, work with me on this.... buy a ticket ! "

englishangel · Post by **englishangel** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 8:07 am

Subject: The Salesman

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything-under-one-roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mississippi."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow, I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did

you make today?"

The kid says "one."

The boss says, "Just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
day!

How ! much was the sale for?

The kid says " $101,237.64"

The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"

Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a
medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a
new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"

The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go
fishing..'

shoz · Post by **shoz** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:43 pm

Doctor to patient - I'm sorry, I have some bad news for you, we have amputated the wrong leg, but the good news is.... the other one is getting better!

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:49 pm

shoz wrote:Doctor to patient - I'm sorry, I have some bad news for you, we have amputated the wrong leg, but the good news is.... the other one is getting better!

Rule 1 - please stick this in the "Jokes, please.." thread.

Emma Jane · Post by **Emma Jane** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:54 pm

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh!

Is funnier when you say it

Emma Jane · Post by **Emma Jane** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:56 pm

OR...

What are the similarities between the Starship Enterprise and a loo roll?

They both circle Uranus and they both wipe out cling-ons.

That is one of the few jokes I can ever remember. That and the Fsh joke

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:01 pm

Emma Jane wrote:OR...

What are the similarities between the Starship Enterprise and a loo roll?

They both circle Uranus and they both wipe out cling-ons.

That is one of the few jokes I can ever remember. That and the Fsh joke

That's not 'few', that's 'two'............

Even then, the jury's out..........

huntertitus · Post by **huntertitus** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:18 pm

Richard Ruck wrote:
Emma Jane wrote:OR...

What are the similarities between the Starship Enterprise and a loo roll?

They both circle Uranus and they both wipe out cling-ons.

That is one of the few jokes I can ever remember. That and the Fsh joke
That's not 'few', that's 'two'............

Even then, the jury's out..........

No it ain't - she's the best

Fancy coming onto a forum and cleaning up like that - within a day she is headgirl if not headmaster

I think it may be an avoidance strategy due to exams tomorrow

Why exams in November?

EH???

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:21 pm

huntertitus wrote:Why exams in November?

EH???

A fair question, ........

Emma Jane · Post by **Emma Jane** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:27 pm

huntertitus wrote: No it ain't - she's the best

Fancy coming onto a forum and cleaning up like that - within a day she is headgirl if not headmaster

I think it may be an avoidance strategy due to exams tomorrow

Why exams in November?

EH???

Huntertitus - you are a sweetheart. Dick over there seems to have made it his mission to criticise. Sweet Lord, one 3 letter word out of place and I might as well have committed treason.

Avoidance strategy indeed - and these are 20% of my modules - they're calling them 'essay tests'. Bast*rds. The other 80% are in January.

Richard Ruck · Post by **Richard Ruck** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:45 pm

Oh come on, Emma!

I've been enjoying your posts.

No-one's being critcal..........

huntertitus · Post by **huntertitus** » Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:46 pm

Emma Jane wrote:
huntertitus wrote: No it ain't - she's the best

Fancy coming onto a forum and cleaning up like that - within a day she is headgirl if not headmaster

I think it may be an avoidance strategy due to exams tomorrow

Why exams in November?

EH???
Huntertitus - you are a sweetheart. Dick over there seems to have made it his mission to criticise. Sweet Lord, one 3 letter word out of place and I might as well have committed treason.

Avoidance strategy indeed - and these are 20% of my modules - they're calling them 'essay tests'. Bast*rds. The other 80% are in January.

Jesus I primised to go to bed

Dick's usually ok just a bit drunk tonight

Dont tell me what a module (NODULE?) is sounds painful like a suppository - I didnt spellcheck and dont care how its spelt!