Jokes, please.....

[J.R.]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."


The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."


The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."





..........You're gonna love this........







The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

[John Knight]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are
really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mum won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy
got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"


"Because you got an F in sex."

[kerrensimmonds]

A PC Valentine, for those concerned about charges of harassment!

Please accept with no obligation my nonsexually harassing, potentially platonic ValentineÂ’s regards as a token of my/our love, lust or friendship within a relationship that we may or may not choose to be monogamous, whilst understanding that the romantic sentiment that it signifies does in no way guarantee the success or progression of the said relationship over any length of time. The sender reserves the right to remain anonymous.

[Mid A 15]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

This one is priceless...
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[kerrensimmonds]

Joke time!

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, then she says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!!

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen, I went to sleep.

So the next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'





Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

[J.R.]

It's been announced that the British Government is going to nationalise Northern Rock to protect tax payers money.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but when has tax payers money ever been safe with the Government ?

[J.R.]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday ! Monica Lewinsky turns 34. Can you believe it ?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they ?

[kerrensimmonds]

Have we had this one before? :-

Arthur is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three, he can't help me."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law and asks, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember!"

[J.R.]

It's all in the (dirty) mind

[J.R.]

Dads Turn To Baby-Sit ! - (from a girls point of view)

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing !!'

My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet ?'

[J.R.]

I think these may well have been posted before, and I can't be @rsed to check. Still very funny, though !

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[J.R.]

This B.B.C. news item is....... P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S !!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/staf ... 253002.stm

[J.R.]

A professor was giving a seminar on the safety of the food we eat. The auditorium was packed, and the crowd seemed entranced by what he had to say.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful for you. Vegetables can be contaminated, and none of us realize the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to ? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake ?"

[J.R.]

Definitions you won't find in the dictionary!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

[jhopgood]

INDIANS ARE GREAT!!! EVEN KIDS:

It was the first day of school and a new student recently arrived from the Indian Subcontinent, named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History".
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, in 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863" said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about history than you do."
She (the teacher) heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George H. W. Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,in 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, in 2001."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar quietly whispered, "George W. Bush, Iraq, in 2005." .....
________________________________

Indians have in general "superior endowments in reading, writing and arithmetic than the common people of any nation in Europe." ~ Warren Hastings, 1813
A thoroughly English educational system which would create "a class of persons, Indian in blood and colour but English in taste, in morals and in intellect" and through such a class the British would perpetuate their rule. ~ Thomas Macaulay
"We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made!" ~ Albert Einstein
"If there is one place on the face of earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is India!" ~ French scholar Romaine Rolland
"India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most astrictive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only!" ~ Mark Twain