Unofficial Christ's Hospital Forum

Best Bumper Stickers:

CONSTIPATED PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A CRAP

MY KID GOT YOUR HONOR ROLL STUDENT PREGNANT

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,... BLAME SOMEONE ELSE AND SEEK COUNSELING

YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THE VOICES ARE TALKING TO ME

THIS WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T HAPPENING TO ME

CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT

IF WE QUIT VOTING WILL THEY ALL GO AWAY?

THE FACE IS FAMILIAR BUT I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER MY NAME

ILLITERATE? WRITE FOR HELP

I REFUSE TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS WITH AN UNARMED PERSON

YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL

I DO WHATEVER MY RICE KRISPIES TELL ME TO

IT'S BEEN LOVELY BUT I HAVE TO SCREAM NOW

I HAVEN'T LOST MY MIND, IT'S BACKED UP ON DISK SOMEWHERE

IF YOU CAN READ THIS, PLEASE FLIP ME BACK OVER (SEEN UPSIDE DOWN ON A JEEP)

AX ME ABOUT EBONICS

CAUTION - DRIVER LEGALLY BLONDE

DON'T BE SEXIST - BROADS HATE THAT

HEART ATTACKS...GOD'S REVENGE FOR EATING HIS ANIMAL FRIENDS

HONK IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN AN UZI FIRED FROM A CAR WINDOW

HOW MANY ROADS MUST A MAN TRAVEL DOWN BEFORE HE ADMITS HE IS LOST?

WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A CADILLAC (SEEN ON A VOLKSWAGEN)

On March 14th, the 129th anniversary of Einstein's birth. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.....








This became known as Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty.'


(Oh, be quiet !! I didn't write this. I just received it and posted it here).

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter amon g t rash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowlin g t rophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts : $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

Hey, like it or leave it, women rule the world by design or by default!!!

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there ?You're scaring the customers !"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot ! You're sitting on the mop bucket !"

Probably been seen before but I'm sure our lasy posters will appreciate it !

_____________

1. Men are like ....Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .......Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED !


What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?
..
.
.
.
.
.


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story !

At 78 -- What story ??? What bed ??? Who the hell are you ???

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she ealized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no !!! My wife's dinner party !!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:...........

"Come on guys, we're almost there !"

For those of us who travel a lot...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On one of my flights upon landing the attendant said: Welcome to Detroit. Please see the attendant at the gate for your connecting flight information. And for those of you remaining in Detroit...I'm really sorry.

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA !"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight !"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault. It wasn't the pilot's fault. It wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate !"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing. He had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question ?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down ?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax....OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Tourist Clas yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine !!!"

J.R. wrote:For those of us who travel a lot...

Captain after takeoff on a transatlantic flight:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we regret the delay in takeoff but you will appreciate that aircraft are machines and that machines sometimes break"

(Three weeks later that aircraft and all aboard were lost in the sea)

Tommy Cooper jokes

1 . Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round..' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

.......... AND

A battery charger goes into a bar.

The bar-man says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything !!"

A man urgently needed a few days off work, but knew his Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted crazy, the he would be told to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. His co-worker (who's blonde) asked him what he was doing. He told her that he was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think he was CRAZY and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office, saw the man hanging upside down from the ceiling and asked "What are you doing?" The man told him he was a light bulb.

The Boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

The man jumped down and walked out of the office. When his blonde co-worker followed him, the Boss shouted "And where do you think you're going?"

She turned around, looked at him and said: “"I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark."

(And they say that blondes are dumb….Uh-Uhahuh!)

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visits him every day. One day Mikesays,
'Joe, we both loved football all our lives and we played Sunday league
football together for so many years. Please do me one favour; when you get
to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike-Mike.'

'Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike, it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

'The good news,' Joe says, 'is that there's football in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows and best of all, we can play football all we want, and we
never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?'

'I've just seen the next Tuesdays team sheet, and you're playing!'

Apologies if this has been posted before.



These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most
romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes ...
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.